Grease Is The Word

The omniscient Jersey Boys Blog recently reported that several JB Vegas cast members lent a hand in a celeb-filled charity event at an area McDonald's. Both Vegas Frankies, Rick Faugno and Travis Cloer, took their turns flipping burgers. I just hope this song doesn't get stuck in their heads...maybe Silence is Golden Arches, after all.


(to the tune of "Big Man in Town")

Each day I cruise the drive-thru
Peruse the dollar menu
Consumed by what I'll eat today
I work at the Palazzo
Out here it gets real hot, so
I need my slurpee right away

I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Large McFlurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
In a hurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Try to make it fast
I'm just wastin' gas...

Four days a week I'm Frankie
Gotta stay spry, lean and lanky
Sometimes I just need a release
Each morning it's granola
If it's oil it's pure canola
But in my dreams the Word is Grease
(is the word, is the word)

I'll have a Big Mac and fries
In a hurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Large McFlurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Try to make it fast
I'm just wastin' gas...

Those golden arches
They call to me
Sugars and starches
They call to me
Ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh waaaah...



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Left Brain, Right Brain...

And then one day, a tune pops into my head.
Problem is, another tune had already popped into my head.
So now I got two tunes poppin' in my head.
And my whole head exploded.

I vant to be alone.
Vhy must I vant to be alone...


Click here to hear my head explode with two Four Seasons songs at once:




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MEGABYTES

("Silhouettes")









(click here to hear:)



Took a walk and passed your house
Late last night
Saw you scrolling with your mouse
Left to right
From your Windows Vista cast
Your obsolete cathode ray
Go LCD, it's time to upgrade

Put your cursor on the spot
Left click twice
In a chat room steamy hot
Not so nice
Then your download soon began
Two megabytes worth of RAM
Oh what a techno-geek I am

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah

Rushed down to my Mac with wings
On my feet
Hacked your system, pressed CONTROL-
ALT-DELETE
Stole your password then I scanned
Your register and your log
Said oh my God -- you're on the wrong blog!*

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah

Now we're happy as can be
So in love
Daily scans and virus-free
All debugged
And to think it all began
Two megabytes worth of RAM
Oh what a lucky motherhacker I am

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah............


*(Line courtesy Howard Tucker)

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C'mon Marianne

(For Jersey girl Holly Ann Butler, who said in a recent podcast interview from Dallas as featured on the fantastic Jersey Boys Blog that this was her favorite JB song. She said it makes her happy. Isn't that sweet? I hope what I did to it doesn't change that.)



Whoa-ho-ho here I am
Stuck with Gilligan
On a desert isle
It's gonna be a while
Let's stroll hand in hand
Let's roll in the sand
C'mon Marianne



No matter what people say
I'll take you anyday
Over that Ginger chick
You're my permanent pick
Your short denim shorts
Created by Sherwood Schwartz
C'mon Marianne (baby)
C'mon Holly Ann (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
Say we'll roll in the sand
My Marianne, Marianne, Marianne, Marianne



The Professor and Skipper too
They all thirst for you
Thurston Howell the Third
Barely says a word
But I know down deep
They all want to sleep
With my Marianne (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
Say we'll roll in the sand
My Marianne, Marianne, Marianne, Marianne


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White Wine For You...

("Cry For Me")



White wine for you
Red wine for me
No, no you won't touch my pinot noir
Just your chablis

Well, you had your Blue Nun
(beaujolais-dy)
With your fondue
(beaujolais-dy)
Girl now you won't even taste my cab
Or my grand cru (crewe?)

So now I'm leaving
No more riesling
You're fine with chardonnay
So now I'm hard on you

I love merlot
(beaujolady)
Much more than your sweet meursault
(beaujolady)
But you repeatedly imbibed
Goin' Sideways on me

Well, you know how much it hurts
When you order that gewurz
With your veronique crepes
So cry, cry
Sour grapes

Don't you pour me white baby, bye bye
Don't you dare pour me white, baby bye
Don't you dare pour me white, baby
Red wine
Wine, pour me


(Apologies in advance for the lousy vocal. But at least the guitaring is no better):




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Lost My Walk Man

("Walk Like A Man")



Oh how I tried
To do my exercise
Tonin' up my thighs and my abs

But I couldn't do it
Not without my music
I guess I'll just have to keep this flab

Because I
Lost my Walkman
Last time I ran
Lost my Walkman, no fun
I'm gonna need
Another MP3
I lost my Walkman, can't run

Gotta be thinner
For graduation dinner
Gonna take my honey to the dance

My sweat will be flyin'
On 'count of all my tryin'
To fit my heiney in my pants

Because I
Lost my Walkman
Last time I ran
Lost my Walkman, no fun
I'm swearin' to God
I need a new iPod
I lost my Walkman, can't run

(watch for bad vocal in the not-too-distant future!)

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Egg Rolls, Fried Rice

("Big Girls Don't Cry." My worst song yet!)



Egg rolls, fried rice
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Egg rolls, fried rice
(Who had the egg fried rice?)

My girl said let's ee-ee-eat
(Chi-inese)
I said, my treat
(I'm so darn sweet)

(Silly girl)
Shame on you said mama-san
(Silly girl)
You didn't eat all your wonton
(Silly girl)
Then she said, I'll pack your sides
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Egg rolls, fried rice
(Who had the egg fried rice?)

(Trumpet solo)

Lady, hold the MSG
(Allergies)
Low salt for me
(No MSG)

(Spilled the soy)
Told my girl we had to take out
(Spilled the soy)
Thought that she might wanna make out
(Spilled the soy)
While we watch "Shanghai Surprise"
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Who had fried rice?
(I won't be askin' twice)

Egg rolls, fried rice
Egg rolls, fried rice...



(Come back soon for bad vocal!)


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Medley: Hey/Miss Saigon

("Stay"/"Let's Hang On")



(click here for my cheesy karavocal:)




Hey hey
Miss Lea Salonga
Please please please please please
Tell me that me that it ain't wronga
Oh now your Tony's so fine
And your voice is sublime
Won't you do a little dance for me
Just a one more time

Oh won't you play
Miss Lea Salonga
Tease tease tease tease tease
Tell me that you're gonna...

---------------

There ain't no good in our so longin'
So I'll put it in my songin'
Where it's belongin'

Miss Saigon
You're so darn hot
Don't you go girl
You're what I want
You're a hottie Filipina
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon
You're what I want
(Doo doop, doo doop, doo doop)

You say you're gonna go and quit our fun
You're gonna leave the show
You're gonna end our run
Don't bring the curtain down
My smile's a hurtin' frown
Baby, baby, baby
Stay-yay

Miss Saigon
You're so darn hot
Don't you go girl
You're what I want
You're a hottie Filipina
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon
You're what I want
(Doo doop, doo doop, doo doop)


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A Quickie

("Candy Girl")

They've been a searchin' oh so near and far
Now finally they've found their
Candide star
Candide star

They...found them a star
Jer-ersey Boys'...Daniel Reichard
To croon them
And swoon them
With Leonard Bernstein

He's theirs (theirs)
Voltaire's
Whoa-wo-oh wo-oh
Candide star...

(mediocre vocal coming tomorrow - check back!)


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Too hard to be PG, too soft to be R...

("Can't Take My Eyes Off You")



(Click here for my cheesy karavocal:)




Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs
You've got a heavenly bust
I've got to hold down my lust
All that elastic's alright
But when those stars come out at night
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

Pardon the way that I stare
At your spectacular pair
The sight of you leaves me mute
They are so perky and cute
And if you'd cop me a feel
Please let me know if they're real
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

I love your cleavage
I'm standing here in awe
I love your cleavage
You in your wonderbra
I love your cleavage
Trussed in your lingerie
Oh pretty baby
Jump up and down I pray
Oh pretty baby
I love your bounce and sway
And let your jugs move, baby
Let your jugs move....

Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs
You've got a heavenly bust
I've got to hold down my lust
All that elastic's alright
But when those stars come out at night
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

I love your cleavage
I'm standing here in awe
I love your cleavage
You in your push-up bra
I love your cleavage
Trussed in your bustier
Oh pretty baby
Jump up and down I pray
Oh pretty baby
I love your bounce and sway
And let your jugs move, baby
Let your jugs move....

Your chest's too good to be true!!!!


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When Frankie Met Tommy: The Early Days

I ain't his little brother. But he taught me all about women. He was always there for me whenever I needed any, you know -- condoms.

(My Brother's Wise - to the tune of "My Mother's Eyes")

One guy named Tommy D
He took a shine to me
And I learned at my
Brother's side

From the first day I met him
He told me about romance
But all I cared about was gettin'
In Mary Delgado's pants

One bright red Belvedere
Might help me get in there
So I borrowed my
Brother's ride

Just like a high school teacher
He showed me the writing on the wall
Said sooner or later or I'd reach her
But she's gonna bust my balls

Some guys, they fear Tamooch
But to me he's a big galoot
Gaetano,
My brother's wise.

(You can sing along with me here - but remember - you've been warned. And don't worry - I ain't quittin' my day job.)






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New York, Big Apple, and N.Y.

A song for Nick...(to the tune of "Apple of My Eye")





On Broadway
I wanna be on Broadway
I'm tired of the roadway
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

I'm touring
I'm always always touring
It's getting really boring
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

Packing, unpacking
Jumping through lots of hoops
Think it's time I started
Forming my own group

I-I-I-I hate it
I really really hate it
I wanna be sedated
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

Laundry? Never
Underwear starts to stink
Once I found my roommate
Pissin' in the sink

It's closer
He said that it was closer
That a-hole's such a hoser
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.
New York
Big Apple
And N.Y.


-------------------------------
If you don't know the original, or even if you do, here is an awesome video of it via the phenomenal Jersey Boys Blog.
-------------------------------
(And if you want to hear me sing my version, cover your ears and click here. Don't say you weren't warned.)







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Bergen

("Beggin'." As he bids the Tour farewell.)



Mmmmmm
Put your little hand out, Erich
It's Bergen

Bergen
Bergen, you're
Lookin' for a handout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, you're
Lookin' for a handout, baby

Had a job
Big hit show
Sang and danced, and pounded on the piano
Through the roof
Through the floor
Threw his back, but through it all came back for more

Seasons come and Seasons go
Headin' back to Green Room Radio
Maybe try the Vegas strip
Just try not to dislocate your hip

Bergen
Bergen, he's
Lookin' for a handout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, he's
Lookin' for a handout, baby

An empty bench
Of used to be
Some other someone else is blendin' "Cry For Me"
Soft-spoken man
A gentle soul
Don't no one stand a better chance to reach his goal

[Chorus - optional]

We're tryin' hard, to hold back the tears
Been through so much in, the last past year
The new year sees, what the future holds
Happy birthday dude, you're gettin' old

Bergen
Bergen, he
Always was a standout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, he
Always was a standout, baby

It's Bergen


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Oprah. Oprah, baby.

("Sherry")



O-prah
Oprah baby
O-prah
Oprah baby

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?
(Come come, come out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask Obama
(Oprah baby)
He-elp him win New Hampshire outright

Why don't you come out
To my red state, hon
Come out
You look so fine to me
Come out
We're gonna dance in Iowa
I'm gonna make you my VP

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?
(Come come, come out tonight)
(Come come, come out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask Obama
(Oprah baby)
He-elp him reach the black and the white

Why don't you caucus
To my Dem party
Caucus
We'll make the right wing switch
Caucus
We'll do it nice, not sleazy
Girl, we'll melt the Wicked witch

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?

(come back soon for bad vocal!)


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JB Ticket Seller's Blues

I can't give you anything but loge, lady
Orchestra and mezzanine all sold, lady
Stand awhile in the aisle
You just may find
An empty seat, but I repeat
You'll have to show a real receipt, 'cos...

I can't give you anything but loge, lady
Otherwise it's only SRO, lady
Til that lucky day you hit front row, lady
I can't give you anything but loge


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Gaudi-O

(This one's for Pesci. To the tune of "Connie O.")

(If you don't know the song, hear the original by clicking here:)




Hey Tommy!
Hey Tommy!
Hey Tommy oh!
I got yer fourth guy!
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O

Piano
Soprano
And he writes songs!
Sometimes they're short shorts
Sometimes they're longs
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh

Three Lovers yesterday
Now a quartet
This guy's just what you need
To get your ass way out of debt

He plays 'em
he sings 'em
He writes them too
The kid's a genius!
What's wrong with you?
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh

O Tommy oh
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O

O Tommy oh
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O.....
--------------
(A Four Seasons song that was not in the show. To separate the Jersey men from the Jersey boys.)





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Pia Zadora

(to the tune of "My Eyes Adored You")



Pia Zadora
No I never laid a lass like you
Pia Zadora
You can act and sing and everything but still the critics they abhor ya
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

Original Jersey girl
Hail from Hoboken or so I’m told
But the JB crew never heard of you
They’re too young or you’re too old
Honey, I seem to find
That no matter how the years unwind
That I’m really pissed, cos we never kissed
How I dug your cleft behind...

Pia Zadora
No I never laid a ma’am like you
Pia Zadora
Wed a millionaire who didn’t care but left a big ol’ trust fund for ya
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

Had a big thing for you
From the day that I turned twenty-two
Saw your picture, couldn’t resist ya
Dreamt of me and you
Traded all my chardonnay
For a case or two of Dubonnet
When I sipped that swill, how I puked but still
I dreamt of you everyday...

Pia Zadora
No I’d never land a mate like you
Pia Zadora
I could gaze upon your face for days in ways that would craze Eva Longoria
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

----------
Read about her in this wiki bio . Funniest part - it contains the word ubiquitous. Ha ha ha ha ha.

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On Broadway

They say the neon lights are bright
On Gutman
They say "There's Hank Majewski over there!"
But if you want his autograph
Just walk right up to him and ask
He just might doff his monkey mask
On Broadway...


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My Moyle Effed Up

(To the tune of "My Boyfriend's Back")

My moyle effed up and there's gonna be trouble
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Hold my coat, I'm gonna chase him with a shovel
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
My folks shelled out the dough to get me my bris
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
But who'd a thunk it would've ended up like this
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

Hey, he made the wrong incision
And he botched my circumcision

My moyle effed up, he overdid it with the trimmin'
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Because of him, I'm having trouble getting women
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
He's gonna be sorry he was ever born
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Cause he made me short, when I'm supposed to be long
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

First, he left me blue and purple
Now, I'm hung just like a gerbil

What made him think he was worthy at all?
(Wah-ooh, wah-ooh)
I was a big man then but he cut me down to small
(Wah-ooh, look and see!)

My moyle effed up, he went and ruined my reputation
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Now thanks to him, I practice self-gratification
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

Yeah, my moyle effed up
He effed up now, my moyle effed up
He effed up now, my moyle effed up
Hey la, hey la
Hey la, hey la
Hey la, hey la
My moyle effed up
---------------------------------------
(Okay, it's really spelled "mohel," but it's pronounced "moyle." It's the guy who performs the snip-snip on a Jewish baby boy, in a ceremony called a bris. Oh, and my "comments" function is now working.)

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Oy! What A Night

Oy what a night
Late December back in '62
Lousy fit on my bar mitzvah suit
I remember, what a night

Oy what a night
The rabbi didn't even know my name
All those Hebrew letters looked the same
My bar mitzvah, what a night

Oh I
I got a queasy feeling as I walked
In the shul
And I
Knew I was about to play the fool

Oy what a night!
Uncle Manny had too much to drink
Didn't he care what would the goyim think?
My bar mitzvah, what a night

I felt a blush as I stumbled through the Torah
Fell on my butt again while tryin' to dance the hora
What a night!
Oy, what a night
Oy, what a night
Oy, what a night!



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