Bergen

("Beggin'." As he bids the Tour farewell.)



Mmmmmm
Put your little hand out, Erich
It's Bergen

Bergen
Bergen, you're
Lookin' for a handout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, you're
Lookin' for a handout, baby

Had a job
Big hit show
Sang and danced, and pounded on the piano
Through the roof
Through the floor
Threw his back, but through it all came back for more

Seasons come and Seasons go
Headin' back to Green Room Radio
Maybe try the Vegas strip
Just try not to dislocate your hip

Bergen
Bergen, he's
Lookin' for a handout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, he's
Lookin' for a handout, baby

An empty bench
Of used to be
Some other someone else is blendin' "Cry For Me"
Soft-spoken man
A gentle soul
Don't no one stand a better chance to reach his goal

[Chorus - optional]

We're tryin' hard, to hold back the tears
Been through so much in, the last past year
The new year sees, what the future holds
Happy birthday dude, you're gettin' old

Bergen
Bergen, he
Always was a standout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, he
Always was a standout, baby

It's Bergen


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All I want for Christmas is...

...my two front row seats!!

Happy Holidays and Seasons' Greetings to all.


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Oprah. Oprah, baby.

("Sherry")



O-prah
Oprah baby
O-prah
Oprah baby

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?
(Come come, come out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask Obama
(Oprah baby)
He-elp him win New Hampshire outright

Why don't you come out
To my red state, hon
Come out
You look so fine to me
Come out
We're gonna dance in Iowa
I'm gonna make you my VP

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?
(Come come, come out tonight)
(Come come, come out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask Obama
(Oprah baby)
He-elp him reach the black and the white

Why don't you caucus
To my Dem party
Caucus
We'll make the right wing switch
Caucus
We'll do it nice, not sleazy
Girl, we'll melt the Wicked witch

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?

(come back soon for bad vocal!)


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JB Ticket Seller's Blues

I can't give you anything but loge, lady
Orchestra and mezzanine all sold, lady
Stand awhile in the aisle
You just may find
An empty seat, but I repeat
You'll have to show a real receipt, 'cos...

I can't give you anything but loge, lady
Otherwise it's only SRO, lady
Til that lucky day you hit front row, lady
I can't give you anything but loge


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Interlude

You know, Jersey Boys was originally a story about some Jewish kids. You don't believe me? It could happen. It did happen. Where else would we get songs like...

-Walk Like A Mensch
-Big Girls Don't Kvetch
-My Mother's Guilt,...and my favorite,
-Oy! What A Night

You still don't believe me? Let's listen in on Mary and Frankie's first date, at the deli...

Frankie: Vally. V-a-l-l-y.
Mary: No, "i." You gotta end it in a vowel. "Y" is a meshuggeneh letter.
F: Why do I have to end it in a vowel?
M: Look, kid, you're Jewish. DelgaDO. CastelluciO. MatzAH.
"I" says, "This is who I am. You don't like it, geh kocken affen yam."

[Hey, maybe I'm onto something! Marshall, Marshall, Marshall!! Get Mel Brooks on the phone!!]

Did you know the "r" in Jersey Boys was originally a "w?"


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Gaudi-O

(This one's for Pesci. To the tune of "Connie O.")

(If you don't know the song, hear the original by clicking here:)




Hey Tommy!
Hey Tommy!
Hey Tommy oh!
I got yer fourth guy!
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O

Piano
Soprano
And he writes songs!
Sometimes they're short shorts
Sometimes they're longs
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh

Three Lovers yesterday
Now a quartet
This guy's just what you need
To get your ass way out of debt

He plays 'em
he sings 'em
He writes them too
The kid's a genius!
What's wrong with you?
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh

O Tommy oh
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O

O Tommy oh
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O.....
--------------
(A Four Seasons song that was not in the show. To separate the Jersey men from the Jersey boys.)





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Pia Zadora

(to the tune of "My Eyes Adored You")



Pia Zadora
No I never laid a lass like you
Pia Zadora
You can act and sing and everything but still the critics they abhor ya
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

Original Jersey girl
Hail from Hoboken or so I’m told
But the JB crew never heard of you
They’re too young or you’re too old
Honey, I seem to find
That no matter how the years unwind
That I’m really pissed, cos we never kissed
How I dug your cleft behind...

Pia Zadora
No I never laid a ma’am like you
Pia Zadora
Wed a millionaire who didn’t care but left a big ol’ trust fund for ya
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

Had a big thing for you
From the day that I turned twenty-two
Saw your picture, couldn’t resist ya
Dreamt of me and you
Traded all my chardonnay
For a case or two of Dubonnet
When I sipped that swill, how I puked but still
I dreamt of you everyday...

Pia Zadora
No I’d never land a mate like you
Pia Zadora
I could gaze upon your face for days in ways that would craze Eva Longoria
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

----------
Read about her in this wiki bio . Funniest part - it contains the word ubiquitous. Ha ha ha ha ha.

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Today's Tea-Time Movie...

..."The Sunshine Jersey Boys," with Rudy Vallee, Raymond Massey, Danny DeVito, and Dick Gautier as Hymie the Robot (you know, the guy on TV with the batteries, he just keeps goin' and goin'...)

...and don't forget to cut off your Slauson.


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On Broadway

They say the neon lights are bright
On Gutman
They say "There's Hank Majewski over there!"
But if you want his autograph
Just walk right up to him and ask
He just might doff his monkey mask
On Broadway...


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My Moyle Effed Up

(To the tune of "My Boyfriend's Back")

My moyle effed up and there's gonna be trouble
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Hold my coat, I'm gonna chase him with a shovel
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
My folks shelled out the dough to get me my bris
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
But who'd a thunk it would've ended up like this
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

Hey, he made the wrong incision
And he botched my circumcision

My moyle effed up, he overdid it with the trimmin'
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Because of him, I'm having trouble getting women
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
He's gonna be sorry he was ever born
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Cause he made me short, when I'm supposed to be long
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

First, he left me blue and purple
Now, I'm hung just like a gerbil

What made him think he was worthy at all?
(Wah-ooh, wah-ooh)
I was a big man then but he cut me down to small
(Wah-ooh, look and see!)

My moyle effed up, he went and ruined my reputation
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Now thanks to him, I practice self-gratification
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

Yeah, my moyle effed up
He effed up now, my moyle effed up
He effed up now, my moyle effed up
Hey la, hey la
Hey la, hey la
Hey la, hey la
My moyle effed up
---------------------------------------
(Okay, it's really spelled "mohel," but it's pronounced "moyle." It's the guy who performs the snip-snip on a Jewish baby boy, in a ceremony called a bris. Oh, and my "comments" function is now working.)

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Oy! What A Night

Oy what a night
Late December back in '62
Lousy fit on my bar mitzvah suit
I remember, what a night

Oy what a night
The rabbi didn't even know my name
All those Hebrew letters looked the same
My bar mitzvah, what a night

Oh I
I got a queasy feeling as I walked
In the shul
And I
Knew I was about to play the fool

Oy what a night!
Uncle Manny had too much to drink
Didn't he care what would the goyim think?
My bar mitzvah, what a night

I felt a blush as I stumbled through the Torah
Fell on my butt again while tryin' to dance the hora
What a night!
Oy, what a night
Oy, what a night
Oy, what a night!



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Hello.

Hello.



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