DUDE - I'M JUST TRYING TO GET HOME!!

Flying home from New York to southern California after celebrating Jersey Boys' 5th anniversary earlier this month, I started thinking about airport security...

WHO RUBS YOU?
(to the tune of "Who Loves You")

Who rubs you, pretty baby
Who's gonna help you catch your flight
Who rubs you, pretty mama
Unless your underwear's too tight

Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who pats you down and feels you up
Who gloves you, frequent flyer
Hey mister, don't you touch my junk

(Who gloves you...)
Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who's gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you...)
Who rubs you pretty baby



(Ah, ah, ah)
And if you're feeling like you don't want to get scanned
Just say "opt out" and then say hello to my hand
Baby if you've got to get to LAX from JFK
Come to me...
I'm the TSA

Who rubs you, pretty baby
Your scan may show up on the net
Who rubs you, pretty mama
We're gonna scan you naked

(Who gloves you...)
Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who's gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you...)
Who rubs you, pretty baby









(Ah, ah, ah)
If you're a girl the world will know what's your cup size
If you're a guy we'll know if you've been circumcised
Baby if the radiation scares you, please just step aside
Face the wall...
And spread 'em real wide

Who rubs you, pretty baby
I really hate your stinking rules
Who rubs you, pretty mama
Don't you go near the family jewels

Who gloves you, pretty baby
Those gloves don't look like they've been washed
Who gloves you, frequent flyer
We're gonna scan you naked

Who gloves you...
We're gonna glove you, glove you
We're gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you)
Who rubs you, pretty baby

Ah haaaaa
Ah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!




Traveler/aspiring actor on way to Frankie Camp practices opening of "I Go Ape" while awaiting security scan

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...and featuring ALAN ALDA as GYP DeCARLO?

This week's exciting news is that a deal was inked to produce the JERSEY BOYS movie. The exciting news within the exciting news is that Rick Elice and Marshall Brickman will write the screenplay. Of course some lines from the play will have to be adapted for the big screen...


TOP TEN SUGGESTED (and soon to be rejected) JERSEY BOYS LINES ADAPTED FOR THE SILVER SCREEN:

10. Frankie, my dear, I don't give a damn.

9. I love the smell of a landfill past a turnpike by a dump in the morning.

8. May the horn section be with you.

7. Miss Christmas Present, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?

6. "The Postman Always Thinks Twice, It's Alright"

5. Mika, do you like movies about gladiators?

4. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeCarlo.

3. "Hasta La Vista, Baby (Baby Good-bye)"

2. Of all the bowling alleys in all the towns in all the world, they walk into mine.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED JERSEY BOYS LINE ADAPTED FOR THE SILVER SCREEN:

1. I see dead people, three Mexicans, and a guy with no nose.


Pah-dump bump.





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BUT DO THEY SERVE SLICES?

I understand a “JERSEY BOYS FOR MATH NERDS” is under development, with the following TOP TEN SCRIPT CHANGES being considered:

10. It’s a sine, Tommy!

9. It gets 8.793 miles to the gallon!

8. I’m gonna be bigger than Pythagoras. (Only if you stand on a Planck.)

7. ...like a drunk walking away from a lamppost (replacing like a cockroach on a map)

6. Four Lovers? The Four Color Theorem!

5. You’re just too good to be true / Can’t take the square root of negative two...

4. Pi, pi, baby, baby good pi.

3. DelgadO. CastellucciO. AbscissA.

2. Two cars, three girls, four guys. 4,096 possibilities divided by 4 factorial.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SCRIPT CHANGE FOR “JERSEY BOYS FOR MATH NERDS:”

1. You’re not from a round sphere, are you?



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It's In His Kitsch

John Lloyd Young has been dabbling in the arts, as you may have read and seen in the ubiquitous Jersey Boys Blog. Or maybe you caught the notices regarding his "Food for Thought" exhibition and charity auction in Broadway World, Allee Willis' Blog, and the Los Angeles Times, all of which are linked here.

So it was only right that somebody write a song about it, right? Right.





Does he love you? I wanna know
How can you tell when he's so retro?

Is it in his art? Oh no, they're Oreos
In his warm Pop Tarts? Oh no, that's Cheerios
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

That's where it is - oh yeah!

Or is it on his lips? Oh no, that's mac and cheese
In his slender hips? No no, that's KFC
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh, yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

He's in the kitchen
Where he slaves all night
Sets out your favorite comfort foods
Hopes that when his Payday comes
It puts you in the mood

How 'bout some Raisin Bran? No, listen what I say
A little Bit-O-Honey goes a long long way
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh, yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

Wo wo wo Snickers
And a Pepsi Light
Deep down he's just a Hungry Man
Hopes to play his cards just right
So you'll melt in his hands

How 'bout some Cracker Jacks? Yeah, that's how you can tell
Some cubes of Spam from a can of Hormel
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

(And what better way to hear my cheesy vocal than accompanied by this cheesy karaoke - if you dare!)





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Working to Slay My Libido...

("Working My Way Back To You." Duh.)

Working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

When I was still a single dude
I nearly nailed everything that moved
To keep from getting bored while I was on tour
My hotel bed a revolving door

I'm insatiable
And I just can't help it if old habits have to die hard
A model here
A waitress there
I needed some
Anytime, anywhere

Now I'm working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

I married Elin Nordegren
But pretty soon I was bored again
Thought I could have my babes
And Elin too
Now my prenup's a complete redo

But it's hard to change
You know what they say about teaching new tricks to old dogs
You won't put out
You won't give in
So would you mind
Sending over your twin?

I keep working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play


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ObamaCare

(To the tune of "Aquarius")

When Chuck Schumer enters Steny's House
Pelosi girl aligns with Reid
Then though the deficit may climb
They'll get the healthcare that they need!

This is the dawning of the Age of ObamaCare
The Age of ObamaCare
ObamaCare
ObamaCare!

No pre-existing conditions
No exorbitant deductibles
We won't pull the plug on Grandma
Just defer your mammogram, ah
Every month is breast awareness month
ObamaCare
ObamaCare!


Secretary of State Hillary Clinton demonstrates the ease of getting a mammogram as former President Bill Clinton looks on.



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THE SALAD DAYS

You work for me, you're guaranteed some celery...




In a very nice article by Las Vegas writer Marsala Rypka from awhile back, Erich Bergen told the story of how he once asked Frankie Valli if he still could sing the lesser known verses to "Moody's Mood for Love." They were having lunch. Frankie put down his fork, sang, then went back to his salad.

I imagine it must have gone something like this...

(to the tune of "I'm in the Mood for Love"/"Moody's Mood for Love")

I'm in the mood for grub
Didn't the waitress hear me?
Funny I thought she'd hear me
I'm in the mood for grub

Escargot, escargot, escargot, escargot
Little baby greens in my bowl, romaine escarole
Hear my tummy grumbling every time it's dinner
I love your crudites
You give me some oil mixed with some vinegar balsamic

Radish stars and sliced up cucumbers
Derssing on the side
How I worry 'bout cholesterol and sodium, hey baby come here
Asparagus spear
Is there parsley in my teeth?

I'm really feeling...
In the mood for...grub.



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TOP TEN SCRIPT AND SONG CHANGES FOR JERSEY BOYS, FAR EAST STYLE

In a recent article mentioned on the omniscient Jersey Boys Blog about the Chicago production of JB closing Sunday, January 10, mention was made that the set was being packed up for possible transport to Germany or the Far East. Work has already begun on the rewrites that would be necessary for some of the lines and songs when the show gets to the Far East. Here's an insider's sneak peek:



10. They already gave you up, lychee nuts.


9. Oh me, oh me, oh my-oh my-nah
Did some time in Canton, Ohio China


8. "Bye-Bye Beijing, Beijing Good-Bye"


7. DelgadO. CastellucciO. Kung paO.


6. "Wok Like A Man(darin)"


5. I'm gonna be bigger than Yao Ming.
--Only if you stand on the Great Wall.


4. "(I Want A) Shanghai Kind Of Love"


3. They're like a pair of, whaddyacallit, Swedish twins. (Tiger Woods reference; ya gotta keep it current. Plus which, they love him over there.)


2. So now I got war wonton all over me again.


AND THE NUMBER ONE JERSEY BOYS SONG REWRITTEN FOR THE FAR EAST (AND THE ONLY ONE COMPLETED) (AND THE LEADING CANDIDATE FOR WORST LYRICS EVER IN A SONG PARODY):


1. "Egg Rolls, Fried Rice", (to the tune of "Big Girls Don't Cry")




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Get back on the bus, Gus.

Bob Gaudio and Chuck Berry, together again...
















Long distance transportation
Get me Memphis, Tennessee
Help me find the hottie
Tried to get in touch with me
She set my heart a-twitter
When she started texting us
But we didn't carry cellphones then
And we were on a bus



Jackie Gleason at the wheel
And Jackie Wilson next
Too much static on the line
Did she say no or yes?
She'll meet us at the next tour stop
Try to make the scene
And bring with her two Jersey Girls
Nadine and Maybelline




They'll sing their little ditty
'Bout their boyfriend coming back
The Osmonds were so white back then
The Jacksons still were black
Marie was only six years old
Donnie had the voice
Now who'd a thunk two-thousand-nine
They'd groove with Jersey Boys...


"May tomorrow be a perfect day
May you find love and laughter along the way
May God keep you in His tender care
'Til He brings us together again..."

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