stubbleyou

You may already be a WEINER!!!

2011-06-01T00:40:00.000-07:00

I just hope N.Y.congressman Anthony Weiner's wife has a good sense of Huma.

(to the tune of "Ain't She Sweet")

Can't he tweet?
A-showing off his manly meat
Yes I ask you very electronically
Can't he tweet?

Oh, ain't that nice?
He's posing in his tighty-whites
Now I ask you very electronically
Ain't that nice?

Just cast an eye
At his erection
Then say good-bye
To re-election

Oh, can't he text?
I didn't know he was oversexed
Yes I ask you very electronically
Can't he text?

Has he been hacked?
Or pranked or punked now?
Well here's the fact -
His career's defunct now

Oh, can't he tweet?
A-showing off his manly meat
Now I ask you very electronically
Can't he tweet?

Yes, I ask you very electronically
Can't he tweet?

---------------------

In case you can't remember how the song goes, click here, and you get the added bonus of some vintage early Beatles photos.

And, by the way -- take one more look at the photo above of his wife Huma and tell me -- What was he thinking??!!

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ONE AND A HALF MEN?

2011-03-04T00:36:00.000-08:00

Charlie Sheen's hit CBS sitcom may have to go on without him.

(To the tune of the Monkees' "Daydream Believer")

Oh I recline
In the den
Flip on "Two and a Half Men"
The sitcom's gonna start, one of the best

It's not on
Wonder why?
Hear the star's out getting high
And wants to sue the pants off CBS

Wake up Charlie Sheen
Dump the porno queen
You're a way freakin' tweaker
And a stoned cocaine fiend

You once were on top
Now you pee into a cup
Full of piss and bluster, saving face

Drop the ho
Stop the blow
Heed your bro Emilio
And stall your sad freefall from (Will and) Grace

Wake up Charlie Sheen
Dump the porno queen
She's got umpteen diseases
And you need to stay clean

Wake up Charlie Sheen
Dump the porno queen
You're a spousal abuser
And a user extreme...

(Vocal coming soon!)

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DUDE - I'M JUST TRYING TO GET HOME!!

2010-11-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

Flying home from New York to southern California after celebrating Jersey Boys' 5th anniversary earlier this month, I started thinking about airport security...

WHO RUBS YOU?
(to the tune of "Who Loves You")

Who rubs you, pretty baby
Who's gonna help you catch your flight
Who rubs you, pretty mama
Unless your underwear's too tight

Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who pats you down and feels you up
Who gloves you, frequent flyer
Hey mister, don't you touch my junk

(Who gloves you...)
Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who's gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you...)
Who rubs you pretty baby

(Ah, ah, ah)
And if you're feeling like you don't want to get scanned
Just say "opt out" and then say hello to my hand
Baby if you've got to get to LAX from JFK
Come to me...
I'm the TSA

Who rubs you, pretty baby
Your scan may show up on the net
Who rubs you, pretty mama
We're gonna scan you naked

(Who gloves you...)
Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who's gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you...)
Who rubs you, pretty baby

(Ah, ah, ah)
If you're a girl the world will know what's your cup size
If you're a guy we'll know if you've been circumcised
Baby if the radiation scares you, please just step aside
Face the wall...
And spread 'em real wide

Who rubs you, pretty baby
I really hate your stinking rules
Who rubs you, pretty mama
Don't you go near the family jewels

Who gloves you, pretty baby
Those gloves don't look like they've been washed
Who gloves you, frequent flyer
We're gonna scan you naked

Who gloves you...
We're gonna glove you, glove you
We're gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you)
Who rubs you, pretty baby

Ah haaaaa
Ah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Traveler/aspiring actor on way to Frankie Camp practices opening of "I Go Ape" while awaiting security scan

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...and featuring ALAN ALDA as GYP DeCARLO?

2010-10-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

This week's exciting news is that a deal was inked to produce the JERSEY BOYS movie. The exciting news within the exciting news is that Rick Elice and Marshall Brickman will write the screenplay. Of course some lines from the play will have to be adapted for the big screen...

TOP TEN SUGGESTED (and soon to be rejected) JERSEY BOYS LINES ADAPTED FOR THE SILVER SCREEN:

10. Frankie, my dear, I don't give a damn.

9. I love the smell of a landfill past a turnpike by a dump in the morning.

8. May the horn section be with you.

7. Miss Christmas Present, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?

6. "The Postman Always Thinks Twice, It's Alright"

5. Mika, do you like movies about gladiators?

4. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeCarlo.

3. "Hasta La Vista, Baby (Baby Good-bye)"

2. Of all the bowling alleys in all the towns in all the world, they walk into mine.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED JERSEY BOYS LINE ADAPTED FOR THE SILVER SCREEN:

1. I see dead people, three Mexicans, and a guy with no nose.

Pah-dump bump.

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BUT DO THEY SERVE SLICES?

2010-09-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I understand a “JERSEY BOYS FOR MATH NERDS” is under development, with the following TOP TEN SCRIPT CHANGES being considered:

10. It’s a sine, Tommy!

9. It gets 8.793 miles to the gallon!

8. I’m gonna be bigger than Pythagoras. (Only if you stand on a Planck.)

7. ...like a drunk walking away from a lamppost (replacing like a cockroach on a map)

6. Four Lovers? The Four Color Theorem!

5. You’re just too good to be true / Can’t take the square root of negative two...

4. Pi, pi, baby, baby good pi.

3. DelgadO. CastellucciO. AbscissA.

2. Two cars, three girls, four guys. 4,096 possibilities divided by 4 factorial.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SCRIPT CHANGE FOR “JERSEY BOYS FOR MATH NERDS:”

1. You’re not from a round sphere, are you?

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It's In His Kitsch

2010-07-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

John Lloyd Young has been dabbling in the arts, as you may have read and seen in the ubiquitous Jersey Boys Blog. Or maybe you caught the notices regarding his "Food for Thought" exhibition and charity auction in Broadway World, Allee Willis' Blog, and the Los Angeles Times, all of which are linked here.

So it was only right that somebody write a song about it, right? Right.

Does he love you? I wanna know
How can you tell when he's so retro?

Is it in his art? Oh no, they're Oreos
In his warm Pop Tarts? Oh no, that's Cheerios
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

That's where it is - oh yeah!

Or is it on his lips? Oh no, that's mac and cheese
In his slender hips? No no, that's KFC
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh, yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

He's in the kitchen
Where he slaves all night
Sets out your favorite comfort foods
Hopes that when his Payday comes
It puts you in the mood

How 'bout some Raisin Bran? No, listen what I say
A little Bit-O-Honey goes a long long way
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh, yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

Wo wo wo Snickers
And a Pepsi Light
Deep down he's just a Hungry Man
Hopes to play his cards just right
So you'll melt in his hands

How 'bout some Cracker Jacks? Yeah, that's how you can tell
Some cubes of Spam from a can of Hormel
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

(And what better way to hear my cheesy vocal than accompanied by this cheesy karaoke - if you dare!)

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Working to Slay My Libido...

2010-03-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

("Working My Way Back To You." Duh.)

Working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

When I was still a single dude
I nearly nailed everything that moved
To keep from getting bored while I was on tour
My hotel bed a revolving door

I'm insatiable
And I just can't help it if old habits have to die hard
A model here
A waitress there
I needed some
Anytime, anywhere

Now I'm working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

I married Elin Nordegren
But pretty soon I was bored again
Thought I could have my babes
And Elin too
Now my prenup's a complete redo

But it's hard to change
You know what they say about teaching new tricks to old dogs
You won't put out
You won't give in
So would you mind
Sending over your twin?

I keep working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

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ObamaCare

2010-03-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

(To the tune of "Aquarius")

When Chuck Schumer enters Steny's House
Pelosi girl aligns with Reid
Then though the deficit may climb
They'll get the healthcare that they need!

This is the dawning of the Age of ObamaCare
The Age of ObamaCare
ObamaCare
ObamaCare!

No pre-existing conditions
No exorbitant deductibles
We won't pull the plug on Grandma
Just defer your mammogram, ah
Every month is breast awareness month
ObamaCare
ObamaCare!

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton demonstrates the ease of getting a mammogram as former President Bill Clinton looks on.

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THE SALAD DAYS

2010-02-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

You work for me, you're guaranteed some celery...

In a very nice article by Las Vegas writer Marsala Rypka from awhile back, Erich Bergen told the story of how he once asked Frankie Valli if he still could sing the lesser known verses to "Moody's Mood for Love." They were having lunch. Frankie put down his fork, sang, then went back to his salad.

I imagine it must have gone something like this...

(to the tune of "I'm in the Mood for Love"/"Moody's Mood for Love")

I'm in the mood for grub
Didn't the waitress hear me?
Funny I thought she'd hear me
I'm in the mood for grub

Escargot, escargot, escargot, escargot
Little baby greens in my bowl, romaine escarole
Hear my tummy grumbling every time it's dinner
I love your crudites
You give me some oil mixed with some vinegar balsamic

Radish stars and sliced up cucumbers
Derssing on the side
How I worry 'bout cholesterol and sodium, hey baby come here
Asparagus spear
Is there parsley in my teeth?

I'm really feeling...
In the mood for...grub.

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TOP TEN SCRIPT AND SONG CHANGES FOR JERSEY BOYS, FAR EAST STYLE

2010-01-27T18:25:00.001-08:00

In a recent article mentioned on the omniscient Jersey Boys Blog about the Chicago production of JB closing Sunday, January 10, mention was made that the set was being packed up for possible transport to Germany or the Far East. Work has already begun on the rewrites that would be necessary for some of the lines and songs when the show gets to the Far East. Here's an insider's sneak peek:

10. They already gave you up, lychee nuts.

9. Oh me, oh me, oh ~~my-oh~~ my-nah
Did some time in Canton, ~~Ohio~~ China

8. "Bye-Bye Beijing, Beijing Good-Bye"

7. DelgadO. CastellucciO. Kung paO.

6. "Wok Like A Man(darin)"

5. I'm gonna be bigger than Yao Ming.
--Only if you stand on the Great Wall.

4. "(I Want A) Shanghai Kind Of Love"

3. They're like a pair of, whaddyacallit, Swedish twins. (Tiger Woods reference; ya gotta keep it current. Plus which, they love him over there.)

2. So now I got war wonton all over me again.

AND THE NUMBER ONE JERSEY BOYS SONG REWRITTEN FOR THE FAR EAST (AND THE ONLY ONE COMPLETED) (AND THE LEADING CANDIDATE FOR WORST LYRICS EVER IN A SONG PARODY):

1. "Egg Rolls, Fried Rice", (to the tune of "Big Girls Don't Cry")

---------
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Get back on the bus, Gus.

2010-01-15T01:11:00.000-08:00

Bob Gaudio and Chuck Berry, together again...

Long distance transportation
Get me Memphis, Tennessee
Help me find the hottie
Tried to get in touch with me
She set my heart a-twitter
When she started texting us
But we didn't carry cellphones then
And we were on a bus

Jackie Gleason at the wheel
And Jackie Wilson next
Too much static on the line
Did she say no or yes?
She'll meet us at the next tour stop
Try to make the scene
And bring with her two Jersey Girls
Nadine and Maybelline

They'll sing their little ditty
'Bout their boyfriend coming back
The Osmonds were so white back then
The Jacksons still were black
Marie was only six years old
Donnie had the voice
Now who'd a thunk two-thousand-nine
They'd groove with Jersey Boys...

"May tomorrow be a perfect day
May you find love and laughter along the way
May God keep you in His tender care
'Til He brings us together again..."

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Grease Is The Word

2009-11-25T02:43:00.000-08:00

The omniscient Jersey Boys Blog recently reported that several JB Vegas cast members lent a hand in a celeb-filled charity event at an area McDonald's. Both Vegas Frankies, Rick Faugno and Travis Cloer, took their turns flipping burgers. I just hope this song doesn't get stuck in their heads...maybe Silence is Golden Arches, after all.

(to the tune of "Big Man in Town")

Each day I cruise the drive-thru
Peruse the dollar menu
Consumed by what I'll eat today
I work at the Palazzo
Out here it gets real hot, so
I need my slurpee right away

I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Large McFlurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
In a hurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Try to make it fast
I'm just wastin' gas...

Four days a week I'm Frankie
Gotta stay spry, lean and lanky
Sometimes I just need a release
Each morning it's granola
If it's oil it's pure canola
But in my dreams the Word is Grease
(is the word, is the word)

I'll have a Big Mac and fries
In a hurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Large McFlurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Try to make it fast
I'm just wastin' gas...

Those golden arches
They call to me
Sugars and starches
They call to me
Ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh waaaah...

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Left Brain, Right Brain...

2009-06-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

And then one day, a tune pops into my head.
Problem is, another tune had already popped into my head.
So now I got two tunes poppin' in my head.
And my whole head exploded.

I vant to be alone.
Vhy must I vant to be alone...

Click here to hear my head explode with two Four Seasons songs at once:

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haikrewe three

2009-06-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

(inspired by Rick Elice's recent "Three Miracles" interview with EncoreAtlanta.com as reported last month in the omniscient Jersey Boys Blog)

one show two writers
three miracles four seasons
high five the sixties

----------------------
The Four Seasons were one of the few white acts to record for Motown.

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Late September, back in '66...

2009-04-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

...is when I started high school. Which means I graduated in 1969. My 40 year reunion was last weekend and to commemorate the occasion I took a classic tune and butchered it with my own lyrics and voice. A couple of gorgeous women enticed me - against my better judgement - to perform it at the reunion. Apologies to Don McLean.

Hear it, and read the lyrics, by clicking here.

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PANTY GIRL

2009-01-31T06:05:00.000-08:00

("Candy Girl")

I've been a-searchin' o'er this big wide world
Now finally I've found my
Panty girl
Panty girl

I-I-I-I'm puttin' on a show (panty girl)
She-ee-ee-ee sits in the front row (panty girl)
Distracting
My acting
I'm blowin' all my lines
She's mine (mine)
Mine (mine)
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Panty girl

She-ee-ee-ee, frilly in Chiffon (panty girl)
Wond'ring, I am - will she keep them on? (panty girl)
She's flirtin'
It's hurtin'
Yeah, She's So Fine
She's mine (mine)
Mine (mine)
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Panty girl

With her legs together
Nobody knows what she has in store
But both of us know at the end of the show
We will say hello
At the stage door

Ti-i-i-ime for the final song (panty girl)
She-ee-ee-ee slips out of her thong (panty girl)
She throws 'em
Bestows 'em
We bow just one more time
They're mine (mine)
Mine (mine)
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
Panty girl
Panty girl...

(everybody's favorite Four Seasons song NOT in Jersey Boys. Don't know it? Right click here.)

(assist from Pam Singer)
-----------
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I read the news today, oy vey...

2008-12-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

John Lloyd Young to Star in Feature Film - "Oy Vey My Son Is Gay!" You read it on the Jersey Boys Blog first!!!

Oy how I tried
To keep it all inside
Did my best to hide it from my folks
(Ooo-wow, ooo-wow, ooo-wow)
I said easy does it
And crept out of the closet
I thought they were gonna have a stroke

(I told ‘em…)
I’m just a man
Lainie Kazan
I’m still your loving boy
Oh what the heck
I told Saul Rubinek
So what’s with this oy oy oy?

(Ooh wee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh waaaah)
(Ooh wee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Lainie Ka-za-an)

Now add Cousin Vinny
Pastore, not Pesh, you ninny
I’m gettin’ me a great ensemble cast
(Ooo-wow, ooo-wow, ooo-wow)
I hit the trifecta
With hot Carmen Electra
They tell me she’s quite the piece of a$$

(And now my…)
Film’s in the can
Lainie Kazan
Told my old man it’s done
Stage to the screen
I’ll get my punim seen
With Lainie Kazan so fun…

(sung to the tune of “Lost My Walkman”, ha ha ha.)

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Slutty as my step-brother's mom....

2008-09-19T01:58:00.000-07:00

We call her...M.I.L.F.
(if you don't know, don't ask)
(to the tune of Dawn)

MILF
Go away you're no good for me
Oh, MILF
You're just fuelin' my fantasy
Bang now
Bang now with me
WINK!
While you're touching my leg
WINK!
Do you want me to beg?
Now think Mom how you sure could keep it in the family

MILF, go away
Please go away

Although you know
I'd love you to play
MILF go away
Please go away
Cover those thighs
Don't tease me this way
Oh, oh, oh (oh oh oh)

MILF
Run away from me while you can
Wish I were
Changing places with my old man
He's so lucky
That he bonks you
I'm watching you SLINK!
Down the hallway in robes
SLINK!
With your bod half exposed
Now think Mom how you sure could keep it in the family

MILF
Go away you're no good for me
MILF
You're just fueling my fantasy
MILF
Go away you're no good for me
MILF go away!!!

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(I Want A) Sunday Matinee....

2008-06-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

("Sunday Kind Of Love")

I want a Sunday matinee
Can't stay up late on
Saturday night
Not much past eight
My wife says I'm such a dud
(dud dud)
I want a Sunday matinee

We'll ride with Lee and Shirley
They like to get there early
In the line they can hold us a place
The traffic will be easy
It almost guarantees me
Getting a good parking space

I want a seat that's on the aisle
So I can see
No matter who sits
In front of me
My wife says I'm just a bum
(bum bum)
I want a Sunday matinee

I do my daily dozin'
While Fred and Ethel Rosen
Come and kibitz for an hour everyday
See the show with Fred and Ethel
Then catch the seniors' special
Down at the Hometown Buffet

Some folks like their schmoozin'
Or so it seems, I'd
Rather be snoozin'
Deep in my dreams
My wife says I'm just a bum
(bum bum)
I want a Sunday matinee

=======================

Vocal coming tonight - fer sher!!!

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TOP TEN REJECTED SOMEBODY ELSE'S LATEST HITS

2008-05-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

.
11. MY BABY DOES THE FRANKIE PANKY

10. LAST TRAIN TO BELLVILLE

9. DAGO, DAY-AY-AY-AY-GO (Daylight come and me car come home)

8. HI HO, HI HO, IT'S OFF TO NEWARK WE GO

7. INNA GADDA DEVITO

6. DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO CAMP RAHWAY?

5. YOUNG YOUNG YOUNG YOUNG GIRL

4. SERVING SLICES USA

3. PLEASANT VALLI SUNDAY ("When there are four guys, and you're Peter Tork...")

2. TALLAHASSEE MASSI (Freddy "Bada-boom-boom" Cannon)

And the number one rejected somebody else's latest hit,

1. GOOD GOLLY, VIVALDI

Paul Shaffer does the Frankie-Frankie.

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I'LL BE THE VIG MAN IN TOWN...

2008-05-21T01:08:00.000-07:00

...cos I'm the Waxman

Yeah-eh, I'm Norm Waxmaa-aan..

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GO ASK ELICE...

2008-05-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

("White Rabbit")

One joke makes you chortle
And one joke gets guffaws
And the ones by Marshall Brickman
Have you pounding on the walls
Go ask Elice
He's with Annie Hall
Annie Hall...

Multiple choice question #1:

2008-05-20T01:22:00.000-07:00

Which name was NOT used by the Four Seasons at one time or another?

A. The Quattro Fourmaggio's

B. The B&E's Boys Choir

C. The Topical Ointments

D. Little Caesar and the Croutons (obscure)

E. All of the above

F. None of the above

G. A, B, and C but not D

H. C, D, and E but not F

I. E, F, and G but not H

J. G, H, and I but not J

K. I, J, and K but not L

L. L

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If you look up "sloppy two-and-a-half part harmony" ...

2008-05-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

...in the dictionary, you get the vocal I just added to "Megabytes (Silhouettes)".

Don't laugh. Okay, laugh.

I dropped out of high school to drive a bus...

2008-05-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Did you know Marshall Brickman wrote some of Johnny Carson's old "Tea Time Movie" bits from the Tonight Show? I didn't, until I read this interesting piece on the Jersey Boys Blog a couple of weeks ago. And if you don't get the connection between this blogpost and the Tea Time Movie, then you're not from beautiful downtown Burbank.

I drove a bus with Chuck Berry, Halle Berry, Berry Gordy, Gordy Howe, Howie Long, Martin Short, Dean Martin, Dean Jones, Jimmy Dean, James Dean, James Joyce, Joyce Brothers, the Smothers Brothers, the Righteous Brothers, the Mills Brothers, Phil Everly, Don Everly, Don Johnson, Lyndon B. Johnson, Johnny B. Goode, Rutherford B. Hayes, Lincoln Hayes, Abraham Lincoln, David Dinkins, Mandy Patinkin, Andy McDowell, Roddy McDowell, Thurston Howell, Simon Cowell, Neil Simon, Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, Art Carney, Art Fern and Rex the Wonder Dog...

...AND (pauses to catch breath)...

...Sam Cooke, Sam Levinson, Sammy Spear, Emma Samms, the St. Louis Rams, Louis Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow, Lisa Kudrow, Woodrow Wilson, Jackie Wilson, Jackie Mason, Jackie Gleason, Jackie Joseph, Jackie Seiden, Jackie Martling, Jackie DeShannon, Shannon Gaudio, Shannon Doherty, Denny Doherty, Denny Laine, Penny Lane, Cleo Laine, Frankie Laine, and Frank Fontaine...

...but I never heard a voice like Frank Fontaine's...after he visited 7 or 8 bars he sang like Crazy.

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haikrewe 2

2008-05-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

the show must go on
curtain heavier, darker
its a metaphor

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MEGABYTES

2008-04-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

("Silhouettes")

(click here to hear:)

Took a walk and passed your house
Late last night
Saw you scrolling with your mouse
Left to right
From your Windows Vista cast
Your obsolete cathode ray
Go LCD, it's time to upgrade

Put your cursor on the spot
Left click twice
In a chat room steamy hot
Not so nice
Then your download soon began
Two megabytes worth of RAM
Oh what a techno-geek I am

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah

Rushed down to my Mac with wings
On my feet
Hacked your system, pressed CONTROL-
ALT-DELETE
Stole your password then I scanned
Your register and your log
Said oh my God -- you're on the wrong blog!*

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah

Now we're happy as can be
So in love
Daily scans and virus-free
All debugged
And to think it all began
Two megabytes worth of RAM
Oh what a lucky motherhacker I am

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah............

*(Line courtesy Howard Tucker)

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C'mon Marianne

2008-03-09T01:49:00.000-08:00

(For Jersey girl Holly Ann Butler, who said in a recent podcast interview from Dallas as featured on the fantastic Jersey Boys Blog that this was her favorite JB song. She said it makes her happy. Isn't that sweet? I hope what I did to it doesn't change that.)

Whoa-ho-ho here I am
Stuck with Gilligan
On a desert isle
It's gonna be a while
Let's stroll hand in hand
Let's roll in the sand
C'mon Marianne

No matter what people say
I'll take you anyday
Over that Ginger chick
You're my permanent pick
Your short denim shorts
Created by Sherwood Schwartz
C'mon Marianne (baby)
C'mon Holly Ann (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
Say we'll roll in the sand
My Marianne, Marianne, Marianne, Marianne

The Professor and Skipper too
They all thirst for you
Thurston Howell the Third
Barely says a word
But I know down deep
They all want to sleep
With my Marianne (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
Say we'll roll in the sand
My Marianne, Marianne, Marianne, Marianne

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White Wine For You...

2008-02-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

("Cry For Me")

White wine for you
Red wine for me
No, no you won't touch my pinot noir
Just your chablis

Well, you had your Blue Nun
(beaujolais-dy)
With your fondue
(beaujolais-dy)
Girl now you won't even taste my cab
Or my grand cru (crewe?)

So now I'm leaving
No more riesling
You're fine with chardonnay
So now I'm hard on you

I love merlot
(beaujolady)
Much more than your sweet meursault
(beaujolady)
But you repeatedly imbibed
Goin' Sideways on me

Well, you know how much it hurts
When you order that gewurz
With your veronique crepes
So cry, cry
Sour grapes

Don't you pour me white baby, bye bye
Don't you dare pour me white, baby bye
Don't you dare pour me white, baby
Red wine
Wine, pour me

(Apologies in advance for the lousy vocal. But at least the guitaring is no better):

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THIS IS NOT A VANITY BLOG.

2008-02-26T09:07:00.000-08:00

But this is a vanity post. (Everyone is entitled to one, aren't they?)

This is my doo-wop trio, 30-plus years ago.

And this is how we sounded.

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Lost My Walk Man

2008-02-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

("Walk Like A Man")

Oh how I tried
To do my exercise
Tonin' up my thighs and my abs

But I couldn't do it
Not without my music
I guess I'll just have to keep this flab

Because I
Lost my Walkman
Last time I ran
Lost my Walkman, no fun
I'm gonna need
Another MP3
I lost my Walkman, can't run

Gotta be thinner
For graduation dinner
Gonna take my honey to the dance

My sweat will be flyin'
On 'count of all my tryin'
To fit my heiney in my pants

Because I
Lost my Walkman
Last time I ran
Lost my Walkman, no fun
I'm swearin' to God
I need a new iPod
I lost my Walkman, can't run

(watch for bad vocal in the not-too-distant future!)

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TOP TEN REJECTED JERSEY BOYS SONG TITLES:

2008-02-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

.
10. WALK WITH A LIMP

9. A THURSDAY KIND OF CANASTA

8. MY BOYFRIEND'S BLACK

7. YOU'RE JUST TOO RUDE TO ME, CREWE

6. LITTLE SAINT NICK (YEAH, RIGHT!)

5. WILL YOU STILL WHACK ME, DECARLO?

4. DAWN, GO AWAY, I GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER

3. I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT A RASH

2. ARE YOU ON THE RAG, DOLL?

and the number one rejected Jersey Boys song title,

1. TWO PILLOWS WET ON THE CHAISE

Take it away, Paul Shaffer!

Egg Rolls, Fried Rice

2008-01-31T08:21:00.000-08:00

("Big Girls Don't Cry." My worst song yet!)

Egg rolls, fried rice
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Egg rolls, fried rice
(Who had the egg fried rice?)

My girl said let's ee-ee-eat
(Chi-inese)
I said, my treat
(I'm so darn sweet)

(Silly girl)
Shame on you said mama-san
(Silly girl)
You didn't eat all your wonton
(Silly girl)
Then she said, I'll pack your sides
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Egg rolls, fried rice
(Who had the egg fried rice?)

(Trumpet solo)

Lady, hold the MSG
(Allergies)
Low salt for me
(No MSG)

(Spilled the soy)
Told my girl we had to take out
(Spilled the soy)
Thought that she might wanna make out
(Spilled the soy)
While we watch "Shanghai Surprise"
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Who had fried rice?
(I won't be askin' twice)

Egg rolls, fried rice
Egg rolls, fried rice...

(Come back soon for bad vocal!)

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A Little Trick with Nick

2008-01-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

Gouveia vay-uh, bo bay-uh
Banana fanna fo fay-uh
Fee fie mo may-uh
Gouveia

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Medley: Hey/Miss Saigon

2008-01-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

("Stay"/"Let's Hang On")

(click here for my cheesy karavocal:)

Hey hey
Miss Lea Salonga
Please please please please please
Tell me that me that it ain't wronga
Oh now your Tony's so fine
And your voice is sublime
Won't you do a little dance for me
Just a one more time

Oh won't you play
Miss Lea Salonga
Tease tease tease tease tease
Tell me that you're gonna...

---------------

There ain't no good in our so longin'
So I'll put it in my songin'
Where it's belongin'

Miss Saigon
You're so darn hot
Don't you go girl
You're what I want
You're a hottie Filipina
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon
You're what I want
(Doo doop, doo doop, doo doop)

You say you're gonna go and quit our fun
You're gonna leave the show
You're gonna end our run
Don't bring the curtain down
My smile's a hurtin' frown
Baby, baby, baby
Stay-yay

Miss Saigon
You're so darn hot
Don't you go girl
You're what I want
You're a hottie Filipina
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon
You're what I want
(Doo doop, doo doop, doo doop)

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A Quickie

2008-01-23T08:57:00.000-08:00

("Candy Girl")

They've been a searchin' oh so near and far
Now finally they've found their
Candide star
Candide star

They...found them a star
Jer-ersey Boys'...Daniel Reichard
To croon them
And swoon them
With Leonard Bernstein

He's theirs (theirs)
Voltaire's
Whoa-wo-oh wo-oh
Candide star...

(mediocre vocal coming tomorrow - check back!)

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haikrewe

2008-01-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

you're giving me brown
i see sky blue azure seas
are you color blind

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Too hard to be PG, too soft to be R...

2008-01-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

("Can't Take My Eyes Off You")

(Click here for my cheesy karavocal:)

Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs
You've got a heavenly bust
I've got to hold down my lust
All that elastic's alright
But when those stars come out at night
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

Pardon the way that I stare
At your spectacular pair
The sight of you leaves me mute
They are so perky and cute
And if you'd cop me a feel
Please let me know if they're real
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

I love your cleavage
I'm standing here in awe
I love your cleavage
You in your wonderbra
I love your cleavage
Trussed in your lingerie
Oh pretty baby
Jump up and down I pray
Oh pretty baby
I love your bounce and sway
And let your jugs move, baby
Let your jugs move....

Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs
You've got a heavenly bust
I've got to hold down my lust
All that elastic's alright
But when those stars come out at night
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

I love your cleavage
I'm standing here in awe
I love your cleavage
You in your push-up bra
I love your cleavage
Trussed in your bustier
Oh pretty baby
Jump up and down I pray
Oh pretty baby
I love your bounce and sway
And let your jugs move, baby
Let your jugs move....

Your chest's too good to be true!!!!

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When Frankie Met Tommy: The Early Days

2008-01-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

I ain't his little brother. But he taught me all about women. He was always there for me whenever I needed any, you know -- condoms.

(My Brother's Wise - to the tune of "My Mother's Eyes")

One guy named Tommy D
He took a shine to me
And I learned at my
Brother's side

From the first day I met him
He told me about romance
But all I cared about was gettin'
In Mary Delgado's pants

One bright red Belvedere
Might help me get in there
So I borrowed my
Brother's ride

Just like a high school teacher
He showed me the writing on the wall
Said sooner or later or I'd reach her
But she's gonna bust my balls

Some guys, they fear Tamooch
But to me he's a big galoot
Gaetano,
My brother's wise.

(You can sing along with me here - but remember - you've been warned. And don't worry - I ain't quittin' my day job.)

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New York, Big Apple, and N.Y.

2008-01-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

A song for Nick...(to the tune of "Apple of My Eye")

On Broadway
I wanna be on Broadway
I'm tired of the roadway
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

I'm touring
I'm always always touring
It's getting really boring
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

Packing, unpacking
Jumping through lots of hoops
Think it's time I started
Forming my own group

I-I-I-I hate it
I really really hate it
I wanna be sedated
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

Laundry? Never
Underwear starts to stink
Once I found my roommate
Pissin' in the sink

It's closer
He said that it was closer
That a-hole's such a hoser
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.
New York
Big Apple
And N.Y.

-------------------------------
If you don't know the original, or even if you do, here is an awesome video of it via the phenomenal Jersey Boys Blog.
-------------------------------
(And if you want to hear me sing my version, cover your ears and click here. Don't say you weren't warned.)

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Bergen

2007-12-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

("Beggin'." As he bids the Tour farewell.)

Mmmmmm
Put your little hand out, Erich
It's Bergen

Bergen
Bergen, you're
Lookin' for a handout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, you're
Lookin' for a handout, baby

Had a job
Big hit show
Sang and danced, and pounded on the piano
Through the roof
Through the floor
Threw his back, but through it all came back for more

Seasons come and Seasons go
Headin' back to Green Room Radio
Maybe try the Vegas strip
Just try not to dislocate your hip

Bergen
Bergen, he's
Lookin' for a handout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, he's
Lookin' for a handout, baby

An empty bench
Of used to be
Some other someone else is blendin' "Cry For Me"
Soft-spoken man
A gentle soul
Don't no one stand a better chance to reach his goal

[Chorus - optional]

We're tryin' hard, to hold back the tears
Been through so much in, the last past year
The new year sees, what the future holds
Happy birthday dude, you're gettin' old

Bergen
Bergen, he
Always was a standout, baby
Bergen
Bergen, he
Always was a standout, baby

It's Bergen

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All I want for Christmas is...

2007-12-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

...my two front row seats!!

Happy Holidays and Seasons' Greetings to all.

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Oprah. Oprah, baby.

2007-12-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

("Sherry")

O-prah
Oprah baby
O-prah
Oprah baby

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?
(Come come, come out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask Obama
(Oprah baby)
He-elp him win New Hampshire outright

Why don't you come out
To my red state, hon
Come out
You look so fine to me
Come out
We're gonna dance in Iowa
I'm gonna make you my VP

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?
(Come come, come out tonight)
(Come come, come out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask Obama
(Oprah baby)
He-elp him reach the black and the white

Why don't you caucus
To my Dem party
Caucus
We'll make the right wing switch
Caucus
We'll do it nice, not sleazy
Girl, we'll melt the Wicked witch

Oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah, baby
(Oprah baby)
Oh Oprah, can you come out tonight?

(come back soon for bad vocal!)

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JB Ticket Seller's Blues

2007-12-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

I can't give you anything but loge, lady
Orchestra and mezzanine all sold, lady
Stand awhile in the aisle
You just may find
An empty seat, but I repeat
You'll have to show a real receipt, 'cos...

I can't give you anything but loge, lady
Otherwise it's only SRO, lady
Til that lucky day you hit front row, lady
I can't give you anything but loge

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Interlude

2007-12-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

You know, Jersey Boys was originally a story about some Jewish kids. You don't believe me? It could happen. It did happen. Where else would we get songs like...

-Walk Like A Mensch
-Big Girls Don't Kvetch
-My Mother's Guilt,...and my favorite,
-Oy! What A Night

You still don't believe me? Let's listen in on Mary and Frankie's first date, at the deli...

Frankie: Vally. V-a-l-l-y.
Mary: No, "i." You gotta end it in a vowel. "Y" is a meshuggeneh letter.
F: Why do I have to end it in a vowel?
M: Look, kid, you're Jewish. DelgaDO. CastelluciO. MatzAH.
"I" says, "This is who I am. You don't like it, geh kocken affen yam."

[Hey, maybe I'm onto something! Marshall, Marshall, Marshall!! Get Mel Brooks on the phone!!]

Did you know the "r" in Jersey Boys was originally a "w?"

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Gaudi-O

2007-12-17T01:39:00.000-08:00

(This one's for Pesci. To the tune of "Connie O.")

(If you don't know the song, hear the original by clicking here:)

Hey Tommy!
Hey Tommy!
Hey Tommy oh!
I got yer fourth guy!
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O

Piano
Soprano
And he writes songs!
Sometimes they're short shorts
Sometimes they're longs
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh

Three Lovers yesterday
Now a quartet
This guy's just what you need
To get your ass way out of debt

He plays 'em
he sings 'em
He writes them too
The kid's a genius!
What's wrong with you?
Bob Gaudi-O
O Tommy oh

O Tommy oh
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O

O Tommy oh
O Tommy oh
Bob Gaudi-O.....
--------------
(A Four Seasons song that was not in the show. To separate the Jersey men from the Jersey boys.)

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Pia Zadora

2007-12-16T00:41:00.000-08:00

(to the tune of "My Eyes Adored You")

Pia Zadora
No I never laid a lass like you
Pia Zadora
You can act and sing and everything but still the critics they abhor ya
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

Original Jersey girl
Hail from Hoboken or so I’m told
But the JB crew never heard of you
They’re too young or you’re too old
Honey, I seem to find
That no matter how the years unwind
That I’m really pissed, cos we never kissed
How I dug your cleft behind...

Pia Zadora
No I never laid a ma’am like you
Pia Zadora
Wed a millionaire who didn’t care but left a big ol’ trust fund for ya
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

Had a big thing for you
From the day that I turned twenty-two
Saw your picture, couldn’t resist ya
Dreamt of me and you
Traded all my chardonnay
For a case or two of Dubonnet
When I sipped that swill, how I puked but still
I dreamt of you everyday...

Pia Zadora
No I’d never land a mate like you
Pia Zadora
I could gaze upon your face for days in ways that would craze Eva Longoria
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead
That nose
That nose and yes, that forehead

----------
Read about her in this wiki bio . Funniest part - it contains the word ubiquitous. Ha ha ha ha ha.

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Today's Tea-Time Movie...

2007-12-12T07:28:00.000-08:00

..."The Sunshine Jersey Boys," with Rudy Vallee, Raymond Massey, Danny DeVito, and Dick Gautier as Hymie the Robot (you know, the guy on TV with the batteries, he just keeps goin' and goin'...)

...and don't forget to cut off your Slauson.

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On Broadway

2007-12-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

They say the neon lights are bright
On Gutman
They say "There's Hank Majewski over there!"
But if you want his autograph
Just walk right up to him and ask
He just might doff his monkey mask
On Broadway...

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My Moyle Effed Up

2007-12-09T02:30:00.001-08:00

(To the tune of "My Boyfriend's Back")

My moyle effed up and there's gonna be trouble
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Hold my coat, I'm gonna chase him with a shovel
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
My folks shelled out the dough to get me my bris
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
But who'd a thunk it would've ended up like this
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

Hey, he made the wrong incision
And he botched my circumcision

My moyle effed up, he overdid it with the trimmin'
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Because of him, I'm having trouble getting women
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
He's gonna be sorry he was ever born
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Cause he made me short, when I'm supposed to be long
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

First, he left me blue and purple
Now, I'm hung just like a gerbil

What made him think he was worthy at all?
(Wah-ooh, wah-ooh)
I was a big man then but he cut me down to small
(Wah-ooh, look and see!)

My moyle effed up, he went and ruined my reputation
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)
Now thanks to him, I practice self-gratification
(Hey la, hey la, my moyle effed up)

Yeah, my moyle effed up
He effed up now, my moyle effed up
He effed up now, my moyle effed up
Hey la, hey la
Hey la, hey la
Hey la, hey la
My moyle effed up
---------------------------------------
(Okay, it's really spelled "mohel," but it's pronounced "moyle." It's the guy who performs the snip-snip on a Jewish baby boy, in a ceremony called a bris. Oh, and my "comments" function is now working.)

Please comment here:

Oy! What A Night

2007-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Oy what a night
Late December back in '62
Lousy fit on my bar mitzvah suit
I remember, what a night

Oy what a night
The rabbi didn't even know my name
All those Hebrew letters looked the same
My bar mitzvah, what a night

Oh I
I got a queasy feeling as I walked
In the shul
And I
Knew I was about to play the fool

Oy what a night!
Uncle Manny had too much to drink
Didn't he care what would the goyim think?
My bar mitzvah, what a night

I felt a blush as I stumbled through the Torah
Fell on my butt again while tryin' to dance the hora
What a night!
Oy, what a night
Oy, what a night
Oy, what a night!

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Hello.

2007-12-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

Hello.

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