Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I read the news today, oy vey...

John Lloyd Young to Star in Feature Film - "Oy Vey My Son Is Gay!" You read it on the Jersey Boys Blog first!!!

Oy how I tried
To keep it all inside
Did my best to hide it from my folks
(Ooo-wow, ooo-wow, ooo-wow)
I said easy does it
And crept out of the closet
I thought they were gonna have a stroke

(I told ‘em…)
I’m just a man
Lainie Kazan
I’m still your loving boy
Oh what the heck
I told Saul Rubinek
So what’s with this oy oy oy?

(Ooh wee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh waaaah)
(Ooh wee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Lainie Ka-za-an)

Now add Cousin Vinny
Pastore, not Pesh, you ninny
I’m gettin’ me a great ensemble cast
(Ooo-wow, ooo-wow, ooo-wow)
I hit the trifecta
With hot Carmen Electra
They tell me she’s quite the piece of a$$

(And now my…)
Film’s in the can
Lainie Kazan
Told my old man it’s done
Stage to the screen
I’ll get my punim seen
With Lainie Kazan so fun…

(sung to the tune of “Lost My Walkman”, ha ha ha.)




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Friday, September 19, 2008

Slutty as my step-brother's mom....

We call her...M.I.L.F.
(if you don't know, don't ask)
(to the tune of Dawn)




MILF
Go away you're no good for me
Oh, MILF
You're just fuelin' my fantasy
Bang now
Bang now with me
WINK!
While you're touching my leg
WINK!
Do you want me to beg?
Now think Mom how you sure could keep it in the family

MILF, go away
Please go away

Although you know
I'd love you to play
MILF go away
Please go away
Cover those thighs
Don't tease me this way
Oh, oh, oh (oh oh oh)

MILF
Run away from me while you can
Wish I were
Changing places with my old man
He's so lucky
That he bonks you
I'm watching you SLINK!
Down the hallway in robes
SLINK!
With your bod half exposed
Now think Mom how you sure could keep it in the family

MILF
Go away you're no good for me
MILF
You're just fueling my fantasy
MILF
Go away you're no good for me
MILF go away!!!



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Sunday, June 29, 2008

(I Want A) Sunday Matinee....

("Sunday Kind Of Love")



I want a Sunday matinee
Can't stay up late on
Saturday night
Not much past eight
My wife says I'm such a dud
(dud dud)
I want a Sunday matinee

We'll ride with Lee and Shirley
They like to get there early
In the line they can hold us a place
The traffic will be easy
It almost guarantees me
Getting a good parking space

I want a seat that's on the aisle
So I can see
No matter who sits
In front of me
My wife says I'm just a bum
(bum bum)
I want a Sunday matinee

I do my daily dozin'
While Fred and Ethel Rosen
Come and kibitz for an hour everyday
See the show with Fred and Ethel
Then catch the seniors' special
Down at the Hometown Buffet

Some folks like their schmoozin'
Or so it seems, I'd
Rather be snoozin'
Deep in my dreams
My wife says I'm just a bum
(bum bum)
I want a Sunday matinee

=======================

Vocal coming tonight - fer sher!!!

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED SOMEBODY ELSE'S LATEST HITS

.
11. MY BABY DOES THE FRANKIE PANKY

10. LAST TRAIN TO BELLVILLE

9. DAGO, DAY-AY-AY-AY-GO (Daylight come and me car come home)

8. HI HO, HI HO, IT'S OFF TO NEWARK WE GO

7. INNA GADDA DEVITO

6. DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO CAMP RAHWAY?

5. YOUNG YOUNG YOUNG YOUNG GIRL

4. SERVING SLICES USA

3. PLEASANT VALLI SUNDAY ("When there are four guys, and you're Peter Tork...")

2. TALLAHASSEE MASSI (Freddy "Bada-boom-boom" Cannon)

And the number one rejected somebody else's latest hit,

1. GOOD GOLLY, VIVALDI



Paul Shaffer does the Frankie-Frankie.



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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'LL BE THE VIG MAN IN TOWN...



...cos I'm the Waxman

Yeah-eh, I'm Norm Waxmaa-aan..


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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

GO ASK ELICE...

("White Rabbit")





One joke makes you chortle
And one joke gets guffaws
And the ones by Marshall Brickman
Have you pounding on the walls
Go ask Elice
He's with Annie Hall
Annie Hall...

Multiple choice question #1:

Which name was NOT used by the Four Seasons at one time or another?

A. The Quattro Fourmaggio's

B. The B&E's Boys Choir

C. The Topical Ointments

D. Little Caesar and the Croutons (obscure)

E. All of the above

F. None of the above

G. A, B, and C but not D

H. C, D, and E but not F

I. E, F, and G but not H

J. G, H, and I but not J

K. I, J, and K but not L

L. L



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Thursday, May 15, 2008

If you look up "sloppy two-and-a-half part harmony" ...

...in the dictionary, you get the vocal I just added to "Megabytes (Silhouettes)".

Don't laugh. Okay, laugh.

Friday, May 9, 2008

I dropped out of high school to drive a bus...

Did you know Marshall Brickman wrote some of Johnny Carson's old "Tea Time Movie" bits from the Tonight Show? I didn't, until I read this interesting piece on the Jersey Boys Blog a couple of weeks ago. And if you don't get the connection between this blogpost and the Tea Time Movie, then you're not from beautiful downtown Burbank.



I drove a bus with Chuck Berry, Halle Berry, Berry Gordy, Gordy Howe, Howie Long, Martin Short, Dean Martin, Dean Jones, Jimmy Dean, James Dean, James Joyce, Joyce Brothers, the Smothers Brothers, the Righteous Brothers, the Mills Brothers, Phil Everly, Don Everly, Don Johnson, Lyndon B. Johnson, Johnny B. Goode, Rutherford B. Hayes, Lincoln Hayes, Abraham Lincoln, David Dinkins, Mandy Patinkin, Andy McDowell, Roddy McDowell, Thurston Howell, Simon Cowell, Neil Simon, Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, Art Carney, Art Fern and Rex the Wonder Dog...

...AND (pauses to catch breath)...

...Sam Cooke, Sam Levinson, Sammy Spear, Emma Samms, the St. Louis Rams, Louis Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow, Lisa Kudrow, Woodrow Wilson, Jackie Wilson, Jackie Mason, Jackie Gleason, Jackie Joseph, Jackie Seiden, Jackie Martling, Jackie DeShannon, Shannon Gaudio, Shannon Doherty, Denny Doherty, Denny Laine, Penny Lane, Cleo Laine, Frankie Laine, and Frank Fontaine...

...but I never heard a voice like Frank Fontaine's...after he visited 7 or 8 bars he sang like Crazy.







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Monday, May 5, 2008

haikrewe 2




the show must go on
curtain heavier, darker
its a metaphor



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Saturday, April 26, 2008

MEGABYTES

("Silhouettes")









(click here to hear:)



Took a walk and passed your house
Late last night
Saw you scrolling with your mouse
Left to right
From your Windows Vista cast
Your obsolete cathode ray
Go LCD, it's time to upgrade

Put your cursor on the spot
Left click twice
In a chat room steamy hot
Not so nice
Then your download soon began
Two megabytes worth of RAM
Oh what a techno-geek I am

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah

Rushed down to my Mac with wings
On my feet
Hacked your system, pressed CONTROL-
ALT-DELETE
Stole your password then I scanned
Your register and your log
Said oh my God -- you're on the wrong blog!*

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah

Now we're happy as can be
So in love
Daily scans and virus-free
All debugged
And to think it all began
Two megabytes worth of RAM
Oh what a lucky motherhacker I am

Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Megabytes, megabytes
Aah, aah............


*(Line courtesy Howard Tucker)

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Sunday, March 9, 2008

C'mon Marianne

(For Jersey girl Holly Ann Butler, who said in a recent podcast interview from Dallas as featured on the fantastic Jersey Boys Blog that this was her favorite JB song. She said it makes her happy. Isn't that sweet? I hope what I did to it doesn't change that.)



Whoa-ho-ho here I am
Stuck with Gilligan
On a desert isle
It's gonna be a while
Let's stroll hand in hand
Let's roll in the sand
C'mon Marianne



No matter what people say
I'll take you anyday
Over that Ginger chick
You're my permanent pick
Your short denim shorts
Created by Sherwood Schwartz
C'mon Marianne (baby)
C'mon Holly Ann (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
Say we'll roll in the sand
My Marianne, Marianne, Marianne, Marianne



The Professor and Skipper too
They all thirst for you
Thurston Howell the Third
Barely says a word
But I know down deep
They all want to sleep
With my Marianne (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
C'mon Marianne (baby)
Say we'll roll in the sand
My Marianne, Marianne, Marianne, Marianne


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Thursday, February 28, 2008

White Wine For You...

("Cry For Me")



White wine for you
Red wine for me
No, no you won't touch my pinot noir
Just your chablis

Well, you had your Blue Nun
(beaujolais-dy)
With your fondue
(beaujolais-dy)
Girl now you won't even taste my cab
Or my grand cru (crewe?)

So now I'm leaving
No more riesling
You're fine with chardonnay
So now I'm hard on you

I love merlot
(beaujolady)
Much more than your sweet meursault
(beaujolady)
But you repeatedly imbibed
Goin' Sideways on me

Well, you know how much it hurts
When you order that gewurz
With your veronique crepes
So cry, cry
Sour grapes

Don't you pour me white baby, bye bye
Don't you dare pour me white, baby bye
Don't you dare pour me white, baby
Red wine
Wine, pour me


(Apologies in advance for the lousy vocal. But at least the guitaring is no better):










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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

THIS IS NOT A VANITY BLOG.

But this is a vanity post. (Everyone is entitled to one, aren't they?)

This is my doo-wop trio, 30-plus years ago.



And this is how we sounded.













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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Lost My Walk Man

("Walk Like A Man")



Oh how I tried
To do my exercise
Tonin' up my thighs and my abs

But I couldn't do it
Not without my music
I guess I'll just have to keep this flab

Because I
Lost my Walkman
Last time I ran
Lost my Walkman, no fun
I'm gonna need
Another MP3
I lost my Walkman, can't run

Gotta be thinner
For graduation dinner
Gonna take my honey to the dance

My sweat will be flyin'
On 'count of all my tryin'
To fit my heiney in my pants

Because I
Lost my Walkman
Last time I ran
Lost my Walkman, no fun
I'm swearin' to God
I need a new iPod
I lost my Walkman, can't run

(watch for bad vocal in the not-too-distant future!)

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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED JERSEY BOYS SONG TITLES:

.
10. WALK WITH A LIMP

9. A THURSDAY KIND OF CANASTA

8. MY BOYFRIEND'S BLACK

7. YOU'RE JUST TOO RUDE TO ME, CREWE

6. LITTLE SAINT NICK (YEAH, RIGHT!)

5. WILL YOU STILL WHACK ME, DECARLO?

4. DAWN, GO AWAY, I GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER

3. I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT A RASH

2. ARE YOU ON THE RAG, DOLL?

and the number one rejected Jersey Boys song title,

1. TWO PILLOWS WET ON THE CHAISE

Take it away, Paul Shaffer!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Egg Rolls, Fried Rice

("Big Girls Don't Cry." My worst song yet!)



Egg rolls, fried rice
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Egg rolls, fried rice
(Who had the egg fried rice?)

My girl said let's ee-ee-eat
(Chi-inese)
I said, my treat
(I'm so darn sweet)

(Silly girl)
Shame on you said mama-san
(Silly girl)
You didn't eat all your wonton
(Silly girl)
Then she said, I'll pack your sides
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Egg rolls, fried rice
(Who had the egg fried rice?)

(Trumpet solo)

Lady, hold the MSG
(Allergies)
Low salt for me
(No MSG)

(Spilled the soy)
Told my girl we had to take out
(Spilled the soy)
Thought that she might wanna make out
(Spilled the soy)
While we watch "Shanghai Surprise"
Egg rolls, fried rice

Egg rolls, fried ri-yi-yice
(Egg fried rice)
Who had fried rice?
(I won't be askin' twice)

Egg rolls, fried rice
Egg rolls, fried rice...



(Come back soon for bad vocal!)


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Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Little Trick with Nick



Gouveia vay-uh, bo bay-uh
Banana fanna fo fay-uh
Fee fie mo may-uh
Gouveia


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Medley: Hey/Miss Saigon

("Stay"/"Let's Hang On")



(click here for my cheesy karavocal:)




Hey hey
Miss Lea Salonga
Please please please please please
Tell me that me that it ain't wronga
Oh now your Tony's so fine
And your voice is sublime
Won't you do a little dance for me
Just a one more time

Oh won't you play
Miss Lea Salonga
Tease tease tease tease tease
Tell me that you're gonna...

---------------

There ain't no good in our so longin'
So I'll put it in my songin'
Where it's belongin'

Miss Saigon
You're so darn hot
Don't you go girl
You're what I want
You're a hottie Filipina
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon
You're what I want
(Doo doop, doo doop, doo doop)

You say you're gonna go and quit our fun
You're gonna leave the show
You're gonna end our run
Don't bring the curtain down
My smile's a hurtin' frown
Baby, baby, baby
Stay-yay

Miss Saigon
You're so darn hot
Don't you go girl
You're what I want
You're a hottie Filipina
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon
You're what I want
(Doo doop, doo doop, doo doop)


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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A Quickie

("Candy Girl")

They've been a searchin' oh so near and far
Now finally they've found their
Candide star
Candide star

They...found them a star
Jer-ersey Boys'...Daniel Reichard
To croon them
And swoon them
With Leonard Bernstein

He's theirs (theirs)
Voltaire's
Whoa-wo-oh wo-oh
Candide star...

(mediocre vocal coming tomorrow - check back!)


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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

haikrewe



you're giving me brown
i see sky blue azure seas
are you color blind


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Friday, January 11, 2008

Too hard to be PG, too soft to be R...

("Can't Take My Eyes Off You")



(Click here for my cheesy karavocal:)




Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs
You've got a heavenly bust
I've got to hold down my lust
All that elastic's alright
But when those stars come out at night
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

Pardon the way that I stare
At your spectacular pair
The sight of you leaves me mute
They are so perky and cute
And if you'd cop me a feel
Please let me know if they're real
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

I love your cleavage
I'm standing here in awe
I love your cleavage
You in your wonderbra
I love your cleavage
Trussed in your lingerie
Oh pretty baby
Jump up and down I pray
Oh pretty baby
I love your bounce and sway
And let your jugs move, baby
Let your jugs move....

Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs
You've got a heavenly bust
I've got to hold down my lust
All that elastic's alright
But when those stars come out at night
Your chest's too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off your boobs

I love your cleavage
I'm standing here in awe
I love your cleavage
You in your push-up bra
I love your cleavage
Trussed in your bustier
Oh pretty baby
Jump up and down I pray
Oh pretty baby
I love your bounce and sway
And let your jugs move, baby
Let your jugs move....

Your chest's too good to be true!!!!


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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

When Frankie Met Tommy: The Early Days



I ain't his little brother. But he taught me all about women. He was always there for me whenever I needed any, you know -- condoms.

(My Brother's Wise - to the tune of "My Mother's Eyes")

One guy named Tommy D
He took a shine to me
And I learned at my
Brother's side

From the first day I met him
He told me about romance
But all I cared about was gettin'
In Mary Delgado's pants

One bright red Belvedere
Might help me get in there
So I borrowed my
Brother's ride

Just like a high school teacher
He showed me the writing on the wall
Said sooner or later or I'd reach her
But she's gonna bust my balls

Some guys, they fear Tamooch
But to me he's a big galoot
Gaetano,
My brother's wise.

(You can sing along with me here - but remember - you've been warned. And don't worry - I ain't quittin' my day job.)






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Thursday, January 3, 2008

New York, Big Apple, and N.Y.

A song for Nick...(to the tune of "Apple of My Eye")





On Broadway
I wanna be on Broadway
I'm tired of the roadway
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

I'm touring
I'm always always touring
It's getting really boring
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

Packing, unpacking
Jumping through lots of hoops
Think it's time I started
Forming my own group

I-I-I-I hate it
I really really hate it
I wanna be sedated
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.

Laundry? Never
Underwear starts to stink
Once I found my roommate
Pissin' in the sink

It's closer
He said that it was closer
That a-hole's such a hoser
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.
New York, Big Apple and N.Y.
New York
Big Apple
And N.Y.


-------------------------------
If you don't know the original, or even if you do, here is an awesome video of it via the phenomenal Jersey Boys Blog.
-------------------------------
(And if you want to hear me sing my version, cover your ears and click here. Don't say you weren't warned.)







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