Sunday, October 6, 2013

HOMER SIMPSON said, "Donuts made me what I am today." But for me ...




...it's BREAKFAST BURRITOS.

(to the tune of Tommy James and the Shondell's classic, "Crystal Blue Persuasion".  Right-click on it to listen to a great live version as you read along).

Look over yonder
What do you see?
A breakfast burrito
Is calling to me
Pour on the salsa
Home fried potatoes
Ain't it beautiful?
Tortillas con juevos

Better get ready
Bacon or ham
Equally gooey
Have napkins at hand
Don't you give up now
No turning south
Just loosen your belt, yeah
And open your mouth

Tortillas con juevos, uh-huh
It's for desayuno
Tortillas con juevos
It's for...
Desayuno

Maybe tomorrow
I'll start to slim down
But for today, now
Enjoy the hash browns
All that chorizo
For a few pesos
There'll be...melted cheese
Ecstasy...
Tortillas con juevos, yeah...

(Thanks to Linda Soo Hoo for the inspiration).




Saturday, April 21, 2012

STARBUGS



This week's news included the revelation that Starbucks uses crushed beetles as a red food coloring in some of their menu items.  Yum. 

MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO CHUG
(To the tune of  "Mama Told Me Not To Come," by Three Dog Night and/or Randy Newman, your choice.)

Want some insects in your coffee
Crumpets with your fleas
What's all these crazy questions they askin' me?
This is the weirdest tastin' beverage
To ooze from a teabag
Don't turn on the lights, 'cos I don't wanna gag

Mama told me not to chug
Mama told me not to chug
That ain't the way to have bugs, no

Took a look inside my venti
Lots of legs I saw a squirmin'
Musta been eighteen or twenty on that tasty little vermin
Caterpillar cappuccino, please
Topped off with half-and-half
Don't like my bugs too wired so let's make it a decaf

Mama said, don't bring my mug
Mama said, don't bring my mug
That ain't the place to have bugs, son
That ain't the place to have bugs, son

Hey barista, lemme ask ya
What's this fly doin' in my chai
"I think the backstroke," as she stroked me on the thigh
Please don't distract me
While I scrutinize my tall
Mosquito macchiato?
Hell, now guess I seen it all

Mama told me not to chug
Mama told me not to chug
That ain't the way to have bugs, no
That ain't the way to have bugs, no...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

You may already be a WEINER!!!

I just hope N.Y.congressman Anthony Weiner's wife has a good sense of Huma.

(to the tune of "Ain't She Sweet")

Can't he tweet?
A-showing off his manly meat
Yes I ask you very electronically
Can't he tweet?

Oh, ain't that nice?
He's posing in his tighty-whites
Now I ask you very electronically
Ain't that nice?

Just cast an eye
At his erection
Then say good-bye
To re-election

Oh, can't he text?
I didn't know he was oversexed
Yes I ask you very electronically
Can't he text?

Has he been hacked?
Or pranked or punked now?
Well here's the fact -
His career's defunct now

Oh, can't he tweet?
A-showing off his manly meat
Now I ask you very electronically
Can't he tweet?

Yes, I ask you very electronically
Can't he tweet?

---------------------

In case you can't remember how the song goes, click here, and you get the added bonus of some vintage early Beatles photos.

And, by the way -- take one more look at the photo above of his wife Huma and tell me -- What was he thinking??!!



You may leave a comment here:

Friday, March 4, 2011

ONE AND A HALF MEN?



Charlie Sheen's hit CBS sitcom may have to go on without him.

(To the tune of the Monkees' "Daydream Believer")

Oh I recline
In the den
Flip on "Two and a Half Men"
The sitcom's gonna start, one of the best

It's not on
Wonder why?
Hear the star's out getting high
And wants to sue the pants off CBS

Wake up Charlie Sheen
Dump the porno queen
You're a way freakin' tweaker
And a stoned cocaine fiend

You once were on top
Now you pee into a cup
Full of piss and bluster, saving face

Drop the ho
Stop the blow
Heed your bro Emilio
And stall your sad freefall from (Will and) Grace

Wake up Charlie Sheen
Dump the porno queen
She's got umpteen diseases
And you need to stay clean

Wake up Charlie Sheen
Dump the porno queen
You're a spousal abuser
And a user extreme...



(Vocal coming soon!)





You may leave a comment here:

Sunday, November 21, 2010

DUDE - I'M JUST TRYING TO GET HOME!!

Flying home from New York to southern California after celebrating Jersey Boys' 5th anniversary earlier this month, I started thinking about airport security...






WHO RUBS YOU?
(to the tune of "Who Loves You")

Who rubs you, pretty baby
Who's gonna help you catch your flight
Who rubs you, pretty mama
Unless your underwear's too tight

Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who pats you down and feels you up
Who gloves you, frequent flyer
Hey mister, don't you touch my junk

(Who gloves you...)
Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who's gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you...)
Who rubs you pretty baby



(Ah, ah, ah)
And if you're feeling like you don't want to get scanned
Just say "opt out" and then say hello to my hand
Baby if you've got to get to LAX from JFK
Come to me...
I'm the TSA

Who rubs you, pretty baby
Your scan may show up on the net
Who rubs you, pretty mama
We're gonna scan you naked

(Who gloves you...)
Who gloves you, pretty baby
Who's gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you...)
Who rubs you, pretty baby









(Ah, ah, ah)
If you're a girl the world will know what's your cup size
If you're a guy we'll know if you've been circumcised
Baby if the radiation scares you, please just step aside
Face the wall...
And spread 'em real wide








Who rubs you, pretty baby
I really hate your stinking rules
Who rubs you, pretty mama
Don't you go near the family jewels

Who gloves you, pretty baby
Those gloves don't look like they've been washed
Who gloves you, frequent flyer
We're gonna scan you naked

Who gloves you...
We're gonna glove you, glove you
We're gonna rub your bottom
(Who rubs you)
Who rubs you, pretty baby

Ah haaaaa
Ah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!




Traveler/aspiring actor on way to Frankie Camp practices opening of "I Go Ape" while awaiting security scan






You may leave a comment here:

Friday, October 8, 2010

...and featuring ALAN ALDA as GYP DeCARLO?



This week's exciting news is that a deal was inked to produce the JERSEY BOYS movie. The exciting news within the exciting news is that Rick Elice and Marshall Brickman will write the screenplay. Of course some lines from the play will have to be adapted for the big screen...


TOP TEN SUGGESTED (and soon to be rejected) JERSEY BOYS LINES ADAPTED FOR THE SILVER SCREEN:

10. Frankie, my dear, I don't give a damn.

9. I love the smell of a landfill past a turnpike by a dump in the morning.

8. May the horn section be with you.

7. Miss Christmas Present, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?

6. "The Postman Always Thinks Twice, It's Alright"

5. Mika, do you like movies about gladiators?

4. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeCarlo.

3. "Hasta La Vista, Baby (Baby Good-bye)"

2. Of all the bowling alleys in all the towns in all the world, they walk into mine.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED JERSEY BOYS LINE ADAPTED FOR THE SILVER SCREEN:

1. I see dead people, three Mexicans, and a guy with no nose.


Pah-dump bump.





You may leave a comment here:

Saturday, September 25, 2010

BUT DO THEY SERVE SLICES?



I understand a “JERSEY BOYS FOR MATH NERDS” is under development, with the following TOP TEN SCRIPT CHANGES being considered:

10. It’s a sine, Tommy!

9. It gets 8.793 miles to the gallon!

8. I’m gonna be bigger than Pythagoras. (Only if you stand on a Planck.)

7. ...like a drunk walking away from a lamppost (replacing like a cockroach on a map)

6. Four Lovers? The Four Color Theorem!

5. You’re just too good to be true / Can’t take the square root of negative two...

4. Pi, pi, baby, baby good pi.

3. DelgadO. CastellucciO. AbscissA.

2. Two cars, three girls, four guys. 4,096 possibilities divided by 4 factorial.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SCRIPT CHANGE FOR “JERSEY BOYS FOR MATH NERDS:”

1. You’re not from a round sphere, are you?



You may leave a comment here:

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

It's In His Kitsch


John Lloyd Young has been dabbling in the arts, as you may have read and seen in the ubiquitous Jersey Boys Blog. Or maybe you caught the notices regarding his "Food for Thought" exhibition and charity auction in Broadway World, Allee Willis' Blog, and the Los Angeles Times, all of which are linked here.

So it was only right that somebody write a song about it, right? Right.





Does he love you? I wanna know
How can you tell when he's so retro?

Is it in his art? Oh no, they're Oreos
In his warm Pop Tarts? Oh no, that's Cheerios
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

That's where it is - oh yeah!

Or is it on his lips? Oh no, that's mac and cheese
In his slender hips? No no, that's KFC
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh, yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

He's in the kitchen
Where he slaves all night
Sets out your favorite comfort foods
Hopes that when his Payday comes
It puts you in the mood

How 'bout some Raisin Bran? No, listen what I say
A little Bit-O-Honey goes a long long way
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh, yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

Wo wo wo Snickers
And a Pepsi Light
Deep down he's just a Hungry Man
Hopes to play his cards just right
So you'll melt in his hands

How 'bout some Cracker Jacks? Yeah, that's how you can tell
Some cubes of Spam from a can of Hormel
If you wanna know
Why he's so retro
It's in his kitsch

Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
Oh yeah, it's in his kitsch
That's where it is

(And what better way to hear my cheesy vocal than accompanied by this cheesy karaoke - if you dare!)













You may leave a comment here:

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Working to Slay My Libido...

("Working My Way Back To You." Duh.)

Working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

When I was still a single dude
I nearly nailed everything that moved
To keep from getting bored while I was on tour
My hotel bed a revolving door

I'm insatiable
And I just can't help it if old habits have to die hard
A model here
A waitress there
I needed some
Anytime, anywhere

Now I'm working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

I married Elin Nordegren
But pretty soon I was bored again
Thought I could have my babes
And Elin too
Now my prenup's a complete redo

But it's hard to change
You know what they say about teaching new tricks to old dogs
You won't put out
You won't give in
So would you mind
Sending over your twin?

I keep working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Working to slay my libido
Getting daily therapy
Yeah, I'm working to slay my libido
Cos my infidelity
Got so much in the way
Now I don't even play


You may leave a comment here:

ObamaCare

(To the tune of "Aquarius")

When Chuck Schumer enters Steny's House
Pelosi girl aligns with Reid
Then though the deficit may climb
They'll get the healthcare that they need!

This is the dawning of the Age of ObamaCare
The Age of ObamaCare
ObamaCare
ObamaCare!

No pre-existing conditions
No exorbitant deductibles
We won't pull the plug on Grandma
Just defer your mammogram, ah
Every month is breast awareness month
ObamaCare
ObamaCare!


Secretary of State Hillary Clinton demonstrates the ease of getting a mammogram as former President Bill Clinton looks on.



You may leave a comment here:

Sunday, February 7, 2010

THE SALAD DAYS

You work for me, you're guaranteed some celery...




In a very nice article by Las Vegas writer Marsala Rypka from awhile back, Erich Bergen told the story of how he once asked Frankie Valli if he still could sing the lesser known verses to "Moody's Mood for Love." They were having lunch. Frankie put down his fork, sang, then went back to his salad.

I imagine it must have gone something like this...


(to the tune of "I'm in the Mood for Love"/"Moody's Mood for Love")

I'm in the mood for grub
Didn't the waitress hear me?
Funny I thought she'd hear me
I'm in the mood for grub

Escargot, escargot, escargot, escargot
Little baby greens in my bowl, romaine escarole
Hear my tummy grumbling every time it's dinner
I love your crudites
You give me some oil mixed with some vinegar balsamic

Radish stars and sliced up cucumbers
Derssing on the side
How I worry 'bout cholesterol and sodium, hey baby come here
Asparagus spear
Is there parsley in my teeth?

I'm really feeling...
In the mood for...grub.



You may leave a comment here:

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

TOP TEN SCRIPT AND SONG CHANGES FOR JERSEY BOYS, FAR EAST STYLE


In a recent article mentioned on the omniscient Jersey Boys Blog about the Chicago production of JB closing Sunday, January 10, mention was made that the set was being packed up for possible transport to Germany or the Far East. Work has already begun on the rewrites that would be necessary for some of the lines and songs when the show gets to the Far East. Here's an insider's sneak peek:



10. They already gave you up, lychee nuts.


9. Oh me, oh me, oh my-oh my-nah
Did some time in Canton, Ohio China


8. "Bye-Bye Beijing, Beijing Good-Bye"


7. DelgadO. CastellucciO. Kung paO.


6. "Wok Like A Man(darin)"


5. I'm gonna be bigger than Yao Ming.
--Only if you stand on the Great Wall.


4. "(I Want A) Shanghai Kind Of Love"


3. They're like a pair of, whaddyacallit, Swedish twins. (Tiger Woods reference; ya gotta keep it current. Plus which, they love him over there.)


2. So now I got war wonton all over me again.


AND THE NUMBER ONE JERSEY BOYS SONG REWRITTEN FOR THE FAR EAST (AND THE ONLY ONE COMPLETED) (AND THE LEADING CANDIDATE FOR WORST LYRICS EVER IN A SONG PARODY):


1. "Egg Rolls, Fried Rice", (to the tune of "Big Girls Don't Cry")




---------
You may leave a comment here:

Friday, January 15, 2010

Get back on the bus, Gus.

Bob Gaudio and Chuck Berry, together again...
















Long distance transportation
Get me Memphis, Tennessee
Help me find the hottie
Tried to get in touch with me
She set my heart a-twitter
When she started texting us
But we didn't carry cellphones then
And we were on a bus



Jackie Gleason at the wheel
And Jackie Wilson next
Too much static on the line
Did she say no or yes?
She'll meet us at the next tour stop
Try to make the scene
And bring with her two Jersey Girls
Nadine and Maybelline




They'll sing their little ditty
'Bout their boyfriend coming back
The Osmonds were so white back then
The Jacksons still were black
Marie was only six years old
Donnie had the voice
Now who'd a thunk two-thousand-nine
They'd groove with Jersey Boys...


"May tomorrow be a perfect day
May you find love and laughter along the way
May God keep you in His tender care
'Til He brings us together again..."





You may leave a comment here:



Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Grease Is The Word

The omniscient Jersey Boys Blog recently reported that several JB Vegas cast members lent a hand in a celeb-filled charity event at an area McDonald's. Both Vegas Frankies, Rick Faugno and Travis Cloer, took their turns flipping burgers. I just hope this song doesn't get stuck in their heads...maybe Silence is Golden Arches, after all.


(to the tune of "Big Man in Town")

Each day I cruise the drive-thru
Peruse the dollar menu
Consumed by what I'll eat today
I work at the Palazzo
Out here it gets real hot, so
I need my slurpee right away

I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Large McFlurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
In a hurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Try to make it fast
I'm just wastin' gas...

Four days a week I'm Frankie
Gotta stay spry, lean and lanky
Sometimes I just need a release
Each morning it's granola
If it's oil it's pure canola
But in my dreams the Word is Grease
(is the word, is the word)

I'll have a Big Mac and fries
In a hurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Large McFlurry
I'll have a Big Mac and fries
Try to make it fast
I'm just wastin' gas...

Those golden arches
They call to me
Sugars and starches
They call to me
Ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh waaaah...



You may leave a comment here:




Sunday, June 28, 2009

Left Brain, Right Brain...


And then one day, a tune pops into my head.
Problem is, another tune had already popped into my head.
So now I got two tunes poppin' in my head.
And my whole head exploded.


I vant to be alone.
Vhy must I vant to be alone...



Click here to hear my head explode with two Four Seasons songs at once:




You may leave a comment here:

Friday, June 12, 2009

haikrewe three

(inspired by Rick Elice's recent "Three Miracles" interview with EncoreAtlanta.com as reported last month in the omniscient Jersey Boys Blog)













one show two writers
three miracles four seasons
high five the sixties
















----------------------
The Four Seasons were one of the few white acts to record for Motown.


You may leave a comment here:

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Late September, back in '66...

...is when I started high school. Which means I graduated in 1969. My 40 year reunion was last weekend and to commemorate the occasion I took a classic tune and butchered it with my own lyrics and voice. A couple of gorgeous women enticed me - against my better judgement - to perform it at the reunion. Apologies to Don McLean.

Hear it, and read the lyrics, by clicking here.




You can leave a comment here:

Saturday, January 31, 2009

PANTY GIRL

("Candy Girl")




I've been a-searchin' o'er this big wide world
Now finally I've found my
Panty girl
Panty girl

I-I-I-I'm puttin' on a show (panty girl)
She-ee-ee-ee sits in the front row (panty girl)
Distracting
My acting
I'm blowin' all my lines
She's mine (mine)
Mine (mine)
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Panty girl

She-ee-ee-ee, frilly in Chiffon (panty girl)
Wond'ring, I am - will she keep them on? (panty girl)
She's flirtin'
It's hurtin'
Yeah, She's So Fine
She's mine (mine)
Mine (mine)
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Panty girl

With her legs together
Nobody knows what she has in store
But both of us know at the end of the show
We will say hello
At the stage door

Ti-i-i-ime for the final song (panty girl)
She-ee-ee-ee slips out of her thong (panty girl)
She throws 'em
Bestows 'em
We bow just one more time
They're mine (mine)
Mine (mine)
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
Panty girl
Panty girl...

(everybody's favorite Four Seasons song NOT in Jersey Boys. Don't know it? Right click here.)

(assist from Pam Singer)
-----------
You may leave a comment here:

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I read the news today, oy vey...

John Lloyd Young to Star in Feature Film - "Oy Vey My Son Is Gay!" You read it on the Jersey Boys Blog first!!!

Oy how I tried
To keep it all inside
Did my best to hide it from my folks
(Ooo-wow, ooo-wow, ooo-wow)
I said easy does it
And crept out of the closet
I thought they were gonna have a stroke

(I told ‘em…)
I’m just a man
Lainie Kazan
I’m still your loving boy
Oh what the heck
I told Saul Rubinek
So what’s with this oy oy oy?

(Ooh wee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh waaaah)
(Ooh wee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Lainie Ka-za-an)

Now add Cousin Vinny
Pastore, not Pesh, you ninny
I’m gettin’ me a great ensemble cast
(Ooo-wow, ooo-wow, ooo-wow)
I hit the trifecta
With hot Carmen Electra
They tell me she’s quite the piece of a$$

(And now my…)
Film’s in the can
Lainie Kazan
Told my old man it’s done
Stage to the screen
I’ll get my punim seen
With Lainie Kazan so fun…

(sung to the tune of “Lost My Walkman”, ha ha ha.)




You may leave a comment here:

Friday, September 19, 2008

Slutty as my step-brother's mom....

We call her...M.I.L.F.
(if you don't know, don't ask)
(to the tune of Dawn)




MILF
Go away you're no good for me
Oh, MILF
You're just fuelin' my fantasy
Bang now
Bang now with me
WINK!
While you're touching my leg
WINK!
Do you want me to beg?
Now think Mom how you sure could keep it in the family

MILF, go away
Please go away

Although you know
I'd love you to play
MILF go away
Please go away
Cover those thighs
Don't tease me this way
Oh, oh, oh (oh oh oh)

MILF
Run away from me while you can
Wish I were
Changing places with my old man
He's so lucky
That he bonks you
I'm watching you SLINK!
Down the hallway in robes
SLINK!
With your bod half exposed
Now think Mom how you sure could keep it in the family

MILF
Go away you're no good for me
MILF
You're just fueling my fantasy
MILF
Go away you're no good for me
MILF go away!!!



You may leave a comment here: